The Art of Longing and Belonging

Hello readers of NGUM!

This is my first video I’ve done for NGUM. Things can and do change so quickly. Be gentle with yourselves. Be kind and caring to yourselves. Be around people that love and support you. I could have never have imagined the life I get to live now.

 

Everyday isn’t perfect but it is so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined it being years ago. I just saw my son for the second time this week, after our eight year separation. I had a hard time with the “longing” again after I left our meeting. I’ll always want to know my son and share as much of his life with him that he’ll allow me to.  But today I want to live my life to its fullest with or without him. My purpose is to be more than just a mother to my son. I’m still learning this lesson, and by learning this my life and heart has become so much fuller and happier.

Never Give Up Mom’s and Dad’s, never give up on you!

Lot’s of Love,

Charla

Advertisement

Time to change the subtitle of Never Give Up Mom, Yay!

Dear loved Son and followers of Never Give Up Mom,

There always comes the time when the title of the story has to change. In this case the blog.   Years ago when I heard your voice (my sons voice) tell my spirit to never give up I not only paid attention but your whispers helped me to change the direction I was headed.

It’s been five years and many post’s later and now it’s time to change the subtitle of this blog to:   A mothers message to the infinite possibilities of reuniting to our missing children and those we love!

The countless prayers that have accompanied my blog post and the hours that Cristal and many other friends gave this project is priceless.   I thank you all, especially Cristal, for your love and tenacity in making my reunion with my son a reality today!

So with the new spirit in subtitle a new direction for NGUM is born.   Stay tuned for my upcoming launch of my book:  “Wonder and Beauty: My journey from Heartbreak to Healing through the Wonder of Horses.”

If you’re interested in receiving information of my launch please leave me your email on this site and I’ll add it to the launch.

Thank you all for following me and God bless you and yours,

Charla….. a never give up Mom

 

 

Darian It’s Your Time

 

---

Dear Beloved Son,

I know this month marks the end of your high school years. I also know through various inquires of mine that you are well. I couldn’t be happier for you. I’ve seen your great accomplishments in basketball and I know as a young boy how good you were then.

I remember watching you play in your games and because of my love and understanding of the sport I congratulate you for all your hard work and dedication to something that you love!

When you were born I looked for something written about the meaning of success that I thought embodied the whole truth of the word. This is what I found and I still and came upon this quote written by  Ralph Waldo Emerson.

To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded.1  

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I commend you for doing well, staying the course and now I want nothing but the very best for you as you take your leap out into the world. I am here Darian, always have been always will. Congratulations to you Son, I love you with all of my heart!

It Goes Fast…Darian!

Dear Loved Son,

What a relief! It’s spring … I can feel you are busy in your senior year of High School and I am sure  you are busy and maybe a bit overwhelmed.   In a few months you will graduate I assume, and with that, your “Wings” to your future will be full grown.   I have been writing, loving and mothering from this place called  Never Give Up Mom.com for four years now, and yes today’s post is much easier to contemplate and begin.

I have seen some of your passion through your basketball stats on your school site and your bright and creative self in some of your videos.    Bravo Darian!!

So I will keep this post of LOVE short for you and the others that have followed Never Give Up Mom and just say, ” I am always with you.   Be Brave, have courage and love life.”

I am proud of you in ways that there are no words for…

Love you now and always,

Mom

 

I TRY NOT TO TAKE THE SILENCE TO HEART…BUT I CAN’T HELP MYSELF SOMETIMES

Beautiful Son Darian,

This is the eve of my birthday. I have come to belief and practice that one should ask for what they want in their life.   I also believe that one needs to work for and earn that as well, at least that is what I have found to be true, so here goes…

But before I make my GREAT DESIRE KNOWN, let me start by thanking all of my friends and some family for their support, prayers and love regarding this Blog of Love and Communication to You and to all parents and children that have been led away or stolen from one another.

Darian, I guess one reason why I write again so soon is because I am one year older and wiser and more alive, and I just don’t want to let more time pass without saying I love you and I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

So, if you can find a way to contact me in any way I will love that, be it a dream, a thought, via this blog or any other way possible.

BE BOLD, ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT, DON’T JUDGE YOURSELF OR OTHERS, BE INSPIRED BY THINGS NOT SO OBVIOUS, SEE BETWEEN THE LINES, AND DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.YOUR HEART UNDERSTANDS THE TRUTH AND IT REQUIRES SILENCE TO KNOW.

I love you dear son, always have always will…

MOM

To Love Something Despite

 

“It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart?   We love what we love.   Reason does not enter into it.   In many ways, unwise love is the truest love.   Anyone can love a thing because.   That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket.   But to love something despite.   To know the flaws and love them too.   That is rare and pure and perfect.”       ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

They Tried To Bury Us But They Didn’t Know We Were Seeds

Happy New Year My Dear Son Darian,

I hope this post finds you well.   I couldn’t wish anything else for you.   As I write this for you and every other person in this world that has lost a love and continues to desire a communication with them weather they are living or not, I came across this saying in Pinterest tonight.   This is a seed of love for you and so many.

The title of this post is a Mexican Proverb, so apt because WE have a blood line that is Mexican and so many other nationalities as well.   I used to think down upon this when I was younger but I have come to find that it’s not your blood line that is important but how you see each individual person and most importantly YOURSELF.   I know your dad is from Iran and that is a sever button for many especially in these times, and I’ll admit I’m wondering what the heck these acts that some people carry out, I mean what the HELL can a person be thinking that carry out such atrocities??   It is not holy it’s criminal.

Maybe this post won’t make sense to you and maybe it will anger the beast, but I have been writing for over 2 years to my son in this country of the “free” and I have not had 1 time that I could see you in peace.   It has been more than 6 years.    I have been lied about in 4 courts of law and I simply ran out of money and resources to defend our right to have a peaceful co-parenting existence.   This Is Parent Alienation.

I have been jailed, and basically run out of the county that I raised you in.

I just watched ‘Blood Diamond’ with Leonardo Di Caprio and the boy that is the subject in the movie was stolen, like you, and his father does what ever he can to get him back.   So instead of me writing another post of my enduring devotion and love for you I’m gonna start this year with a bit of fire…seems more appropriate.   Life is short make it count Darian.

I will always be as outspoken with my enduring love for you and your welfare, and I’ll not put myself in harms way any more to see you, but Darian you are on the heels of being a man.   I pray for your happiness every day and your safety.   But I am here and I trust you have every conceivable way to contact me, every way.   I know you are also up against a very difficult situation too.   I have come to terms in most of my day’s that I may not see you as well.   What ever it may be, so be it, but I will also still reach out to you so you know clearly that I love and support you each and every day.   If I could do more I would.

I also pray that every parent that holds their child as a hostage just because they are pissed off at their ex-spouse, should be shown the door for their egotistical, pathological complex.

The point is this:   EVERY CHILD HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW THEY ARE LOVED, PERIOD.   Freely and Fully! 

And a child that has been taken and twisted at infinitum about the well being of the other parent is truly sick.

So basically I don’t care what ethnic background you come from, I  care that you act humane and especially when it comes to the welfare of your child, grow the …. up or get off  duty as the parent.   The seeds we plant are important and don’t always come in calm tones.   Love is fierce but never aims to harm.   This is my intention in this post to you.

I love you Darian, I’d love to know how you are.

Mom

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL SON DARIAN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SON DARIAN,

I do remember this day 17 years ago and all the minute details that went with this life changing day, for all of us. I have thought of so many things I wanted to say to you on your very special day today.   I had an idea about a little piece of paper that I still have, that has every contraction I had before you were born. I counted the minutes, seconds, checked in with every doctor, friend and family member,  just to make sure I was ‘doing’ it right.

Funny thing about that thought or mind set, so much of your birth and life has been out of my control.   But this post to you is clearly in my control, and as I write this letter of happiness and celebration to you, I am wishing you a wonderful day, celebrating with your friends and family as I always have.

In the picture below, Michael Muir is talking to one of his horses about being his best for it’s new owners.   I’m able to volunteer a bit of time at Rush Ranch in Susiun, Ca.   Michael’s non-profit is called,  Access Adventure, and they do many events a year to help those with disabilities and people in need of hope and healing.

This is the opening statement from Michael Muir, Director of Access Adventure, and Great grandson of the Americas Visionary Conservationist,  John Muir:

“WE FOCUS ON WHAT IS POSSIBLE,  NOT ON WHAT WE HAVE LOST.
THE WORST DISABILITY IS A BAD ATTITUDE.”

So my dear and precious son, if I was able to gift you anything in a box or gift card today it would be  this;

Know you have the vision and tenacity to challenge your limits in life.   You are much freer to focus on your potential than it may seem, and in doing so, your intention and deeds hold all great possibilities, for you and others.   Your so loved by me and so many others, just check out my Facebook page today, and you’ll see how many there are wishing you a Happy Birthday!

Have a memorable day my dear son, and know I’m right there in mind and heart celebrating with you!

I love you Darian,

Mom

Out of Sight, Never out of Mind

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

I have been remiss in getting a writing to you and I will say I am sorry for that.Though you and I have not seen each other in many years now and you may be out of my physical sight you are NEVER out of my mind and NEVER out of my heart with thoughts of love and care for you. Each and every day I wake up you are with me. I know this is your Junior year and I am hoping you are finding subjects to be passionate about and new adventures to engage in.
I spoke to a friend recently and told him of my “writers block” having to do with my blog to you, and he said Charla, it does not have to be a writing from the sermon on the mount, just tell him how you are and that of course you love him!
So with that advice I will say this to you. I am well Darian and my day’s are filled with meaningful work and new relationships. I see in a way that faith can only allow us to see. There is good in most of my ventures and peace throughout most of my days. Most of the time I’m able to see by faith and not exclusively by sight. There is never a moment though, weather I am aware of it or not that I don’t miss you and silently pray for your protection and every bit of happiness for you.

That prayer is and always will be unending.
I am proud of you in everything that I  know you are, and hold dear for you everything you wish to be. I know every bit of your spirit and I trust that God’s navigation of your life with the choices that you are making will be for good.
I wish I could be there with you to see your victories and failures and everything in between. But until the time we are able to meet again and I can hold you near know and trust you are never further than a thought away from me.

With all the precious love I have for you now and forever,

Mom

Forgivness and my meeting with Imaculee Ilibagiza

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

It has been nearly 3 years since I have seen you, and about that amount of time since I have heard your sweet voice, or had any tangible contact with you until now.

You may not know this woman I am standing with, and in the event you do not, let me introduce her to you and the rest of the world.   Her name is Imaculee Ilibagiza, and she is one of the few Women from the Tutsi Tribe of Rwanda, Africa, to have survived the slaughter of all of her tribe, her friends, and all of her family.

In her book called “Left to Tell,” which I read when we were living back in Ventura, I was riveted by her story, her undeniable faith, her will to survive, and now after listening and seeing her at a Hay House event in Austin, Texas, last week, her ability to understand and “Practice Forgiveness.”    You might also want to see the YouTube videos on her experiences.

Darian, her story of this unfathomable event and the 90 days during which she and a handful of other women were hidden in a very small bathroom in order for her life and the lives of others to be spared had me magnetized many years ago.   I never thought  in my lifetime I would have the chance to meet her, and much less tell her our story of the controlled separation that we have both experienced.

Darian what is amazing is her compassion for her family’s murderer’s and her ability to forgive them is unfounded.   She emulates Jesus’ central message which I believe is to forgive those who trespass against us, and I will freely admit this has been the greatest test for me.  Her compassion for our story was evident and her call for me to continue to believe in God was paramount.

So dear son, my message to you today in this post is this:    When you need someone to mentor to you, make sure you look for a “Champion,” and if that Champion does not have the courage to place forgiveness at the top of their necessary protocols for dealing with the difficult to impossible people in their lives, look for another person that is a true Giant and Champion among us all.   For a true man or woman that possess these rare strengths will help you to grow into a man that has the right mix of love, kindness, insights, fearlessness, and a boldness that means no harm to themselves or others.

Darian let your brilliance and compassion for yourself and others shine!    I know you do and believe you will!

With Unending Love For You,
Mom

This is your room…

My dear Son Darian,

I hope this letter of love and caring finds you well.    I know this is the next post on a blog, a way, to communicate my enduring and unending love and support for you.   As you are getting ready to finish your junior year in high school, I hope it has been a wonderful, stimulating and invigorating time for you.

In the past week, I have felt your presence and thoughts.   Some people may think and even believe that you can’t be with those we love unless they are standing in our orb.   I think quiet opposite of that.

I asked in prayer on Mother’s Day to have some sort of communication with you, as any and ALL Mothers would. Within a few minutes I sensed a change within me, and observed your presence and without a moment’s delay, thoughts that were not mine began to fill my heart and then my mind.

I thank you for your communication in any form it comes to me and as I continue to rely on my faith in the unseen, I can focus my attention on you and believe you receive my love, and care in everything you are doing.

For me some of the most important and comforting memories were those times when your Grandpa would say to me, “Just come home and stay for awhile, you have your room here.”   That gave me a sense of belonging that was so important and vital.    It gave me the energy to continue on my path as a world class makeup artist and it gave me the mental support that I needed even though I never took Grandpa up on his offer until his last few months of his life.    My spirit always remembered that I had a place to rest and renew and remake my life in any way I needed. And with that knowledge, I went on to achieve many of my dreams and goals as a young makeup artist in the film business.

As I prepare a home for me, it comes with a room for you ……. ALWAYS!

Sometimes even if it is only in our minds, it makes all the difference to know there is ALWAYS A ROOM, to come home to if you need rest, recreation, restoration and renewal.

Be well my darling and precious son and know I am proud of you and all of your efforts in this past school year.

With love and pride for you always,

Mom