You are Loved and Thought of Always…

Happy Holidays to you, Darian and all the readers of Never Give Up Mom,

A couple months ago we traveled to the Riverside Mission Inn to be a part of the beautiful event of my birth father’s wedding, your grandfather Lee. It was a family affair and since most of your cousins and relatives wanted to know about our meeting /reunion I decided that maybe you’d like to meet some of them.

No matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen a loved one or maybe one you’ve never met, consider this, if you are here, born that is, you have family that know of you and want to meet you in person!

Mother Teresa was quoted saying:  “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Mother Teresa

I used to feel this way, I no longer do.

As we open the door of reunion and all that’s possible for our future, contemplate for a moment that there are many that LOVE YOU AND WANT THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO KNOW YOU!

Here is the proof of the connection I’m talking about.

I wish all of the readers of NGUM a New Year Filled with Happiness, Health and Love filled Connection.

Mom

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Forgivness and my meeting with Imaculee Ilibagiza

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

It has been nearly 3 years since I have seen you, and about that amount of time since I have heard your sweet voice, or had any tangible contact with you until now.Immaculee ILibagiza

You may not know this woman I am standing with, and in the event you do not, let me introduce her to you and the rest of the world.   Her name is Imaculee Ilibagiza, and she is one of the few Women from the Tutsi Tribe of Rwanda, Africa, to have survived the slaughter of all of her tribe, her friends, and all of her family.

In her book called “Left to Tell,” which I read when we were living back in Ventura, I was riveted by her story, her undeniable faith, her will to survive, and now after listening and seeing her at a Hay House event in Austin, Texas, last week, her ability to understand and “Practice Forgiveness.”    You might also want to see the YouTube videos on her experiences.

Darian, her story of this unfathomable event and the 90 days during which she and a handful of other women were hidden in a very small bathroom in order for her life and the lives of others to be spared had me magnetized many years ago.   I never thought  in my lifetime I would have the chance to meet her, and much less tell her our story of the controlled separation that we have both experienced.

Darian what Immaculee ILibagizais amazing is her compassion for her family’s murderer’s and her ability to forgive them is unfounded.   She emulates Jesus’ central message which I believe is to forgive those who trespass against us, and I will freely admit this has been the greatest test for me.  Her compassion for our story was evident and her call for me to continue to believe in God was paramount.

So dear son, my message to you today in this post is this:    When you need someone to mentor to you, make sure you look for a “Champion,” and if that Champion does not have the courage to place forgiveness at the top of their necessary protocols for dealing with the difficult to impossible people in their lives, look for another person that is a true Giant and Champion among us all.   For a true man or woman that possess these rare strengths will help you to grow into a man that has the right mix of love, kindness, insights, fearlessness, and a boldness that means no harm to themselves or others.

Darian let your brilliance and compassion for yourself and others shine!    I know you do and believe you will!

With Unending Love For You,
Mom

This is your room…

My dear Son Darian,

I hope this letter of love and caring finds you well.    I know this is the next post on a blog, a way, to communicate my enduring and unending love and support for you.   As you are getting ready to finish your junior year in high school, I hope it has been a wonderful, stimulating and invigorating time for you.

In the past week, I have felt your presence and thoughts.   Some people may think and even believe that you can’t be with those we love unless they are standing in our orb.   I think quiet opposite of that.

I asked in prayer on Mother’s Day to have some sort of communication with you, as any and ALL Mothers would. Within a few minutes I sensed a change within me, and observed your presence and without a moment’s delay, thoughts that were not mine began to fill my heart and then my mind.

I thank you for your communication in any form it comes to me and as I continue to rely on my faith in the unseen, I can focus my attention on you and believe you receive my love, and care in everything you are doing.5-14

For me some of the most important and comforting memories were those times when your Grandpa would say to me, “Just come home and stay for awhile, you have your room here.”   That gave me a sense of belonging that was so important and vital.    It gave me the energy to continue on my path as a world class makeup artist and it gave me the mental support that I needed even though I never took Grandpa up on his offer until his last few months of his life.    My spirit always remembered that I had a place to rest and renew and remake my life in any way I needed. And with that knowledge, I went on to achieve many of my dreams and goals as a young makeup artist in the film business.

As I prepare a home for me, it comes with a room for you ……. ALWAYS!

Sometimes even if it is only in our minds, it makes all the difference to know there is ALWAYS A ROOM, to come home to if you need rest, recreation, restoration and renewal.

Be well my darling and precious son and know I am proud of you and all of your efforts in this past school year.

With love and pride for you always,

Mom

A Colorful Thanksgiving to All!

Happy Thanksgiving My Dear Son Darian,thanksgiving3

Back by popular demand, is our beloved Holiday where every color is displayed on our dining tables and the excuse to eat BIG AND WELL, is not just expected but anticipated.   Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday by far, for those edible reasons and more.   You were born in late October so this was your first official holiday and you attended it by laying in your little rocker at the head of the table next to your own doctor and my friend, Dr. Ken.   Dr. Ken and Nick could cook a Thanksgiving meal that gave the original meaning to finger licking good and one of the true culinary memories I will always cherish.   Thank you Ken and Nick!

This is also the time of year when friends and family get together to celebrate and give thanks for the lives we do have and those that are in it.  I will certainly be doing that while having you in my heart.   In one of the most influential books I have ever read named “The Shack.”  This is about a man’s journey to understand GOD through the profound tragedy of losing his daughter.   This isn’t a story exclusively of loss.   But an engaging invitation to look for the humor, healing and reunion in all of relationships and life.

In the entrance to chapter fifteen, titled “A Festival of Friends,” is this quote.

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”   This was written by Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth.

That quote stuck in my memory because it embodies all of our longing for another at one point Darians Artin our lives.   I have included in this month’s post one of your most beautiful artworks because of its vibrancy in color, to be a physical example to all that we are born with, the gift of color in all of our personalities and spirit.   I love that in this chapter it reads, “Not only are we able to see the uniqueness of one another in color and light, but we are able to respond through the same medium.   But this response is very difficult to control, and it is usually not intended to be restrained as this one is attempting, (meaning his father).    It is most natural to let its expression just be.”

It is impossible for me not to express my love and desire of connection with you as well as others each and every day.   As God says it is the most natural thing I would naturally do!

So with the bounty of good festivities to come this week I will leave you and all with more color and a catchy song from your Grandpa Lee.

As you fondly used to call him “Grandpa Leaf.” Color in character and spirit runs all through our families, and as I have come to understand, accept the best, and forget if you will the rest.   Let the love greater than you and me heal us all and know I wish you and so many other dear friends a Happy Thanksgiving!

I wanted to add a Huge and GRATEFUL THANK YOU TO CHRISTAL,for making and keeping this line of love and communication to my son and others possible. It has been one year and I couldn’t have done this with out you!

Please take a moment in this to post a comment , it is so important for me to get your input. It keeps me going, inspired and connected to you. Thank you with a grateful heart .

I love you,

Mom

Happy 16th Birthday to My Beautiful Son, Darian !

Beautiful Darian,happy 16

Happy, Happy Birthday and as they sing” Many Many More,” in the birthday song.    Of course I know the date isn’t until the 18th, but as far as I am concerned,  I celebrate YOU the whole month of October.     I woke up early this morning and the ideas were pouring into my mind as to what to say to you this year.

Since your Grandmother passed away in June, I have been going through boxes, jewelry boxes, and finding “True” treasures from her life and my past.

While I was waiting to be adopted, your Grandmother and Grandpa had been given a beautiful little card from a lady that was caring for me.   They don’t make these little cards anymore, today, you would call them vintage.    Someone had cut two pieces of my hair and taped them on the back of the card.    Funny, that hair color looks about the same as it does now.    My purpose in telling you this is, all my life I had played around with looking different  in my hair color, and so many other things.    I was always looking to change and enhance myself and here this card sits, 54 years later, and I Love what God gave me from the beginning!

The card says:   “Dear Charla Rae, I want to tell you that you have come to live with a very lovely family who will give you much love and make you lovely.    I Congratulate You!    Sincerely Yours, Alathena Smith.”

The day my life changed forever.

The day my life changed forever.

We all have our beginning into this world and I can tell you, your beginning was cared for by me as if “My Life” depended on you coming into this world.    Darian simply said, I so desired to Connect and Love in a way I had never known before you, so I believe God breathed his life into you and even in the midst of some birthing difficulties you came into this world and the moment my cheek touched yours, “Well, I have never been the same.”    I felt like every cell had new life and breath.   My depth of purpose and understanding as to why I am here became so clear and strong and changed immediately.    When I held you and looked into your eyes and you into mine, well I became not just your Mom, I got my prayer’s answered.   As you can see in this picture when you were born a picture is worth a million words and miles.

I have come to believe that even in the most difficult births and circumstances surrounding all of our most tender beginnings, God is there.  I have been told some hurtful things as to my life beginning and I have come to KNOW, it simply is not true.   I know God wants me to tell others the same, that they ARE INDEED LOVED AND WITHOUT HIS BREATH THEY WOULDN’T BE HERE, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IN THEIR NATURAL LIVES.   That is a very difficult one to digest and believe some days, so be forgiving and gentle when you meet that person. This also applies to us as well.

Maybe I am writing this in part for me to remember right now, maybe for you.   But either way nothing could stop me if we had a safe environment to see each other in.

Darian, there are many times in life that hurt comes from people that are deeply hurt and wounded in themselves, or have a false sense of themselves, and all they can think to do is inflict their pain and ideas on others.   God made every one of us (difficult as that is for me to fully grasp and understand), and as I am sifting through the various opportunities of my life right now , the one thing that is clear, all of us wouldn’t be here if we weren’t suppose to be….. Period!

I know It has been a long-haul being threatened and forced to be away from you these past five years and yet I have learned that I am resourceful and persistent.

I celebrate you and remember every detail of your courageous and tender entrance in this life, I even kept a 3-5 minute labor diary the 36 hours before your birth..

In my dream’s this morning I woke up seeing you and holding one of my Grandchildren, and just like in this picture I was looking into the eyes of perfection and loving every moment.     It was the greatest time for me of feeling UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I am here Darian, in Northern California, and when I am not longing but connecting to you, I AM WITH YOU.

I was given a beautiful painting by Dayle when we were on one of our journeys.   He said it reminded him of us.

A PERFECT LOVE BETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD.Mother & Child

So go blow your candles out and make a wish or many, I will be smiling and loving you from here.

Happy 16th Birthday Dear and Special Son!

Love you, always have always will.

Mom

Sleeping Lady…

Dear beautiful Son Darian,

As I begin the writing of this post, and I think it is the most difficult one that I have written so far, let me share with you how MUCH I would like to be with you in person to tell you this.
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On June 30, 2013, at 10:00 a.m.,  your Grandmother Lucille passed away in La Mirada near her home.

She, at the age of 92, had been admitted to a wonderful facility and had good care with many of our family visiting her consistently.   Several weeks before her admittance, she was diagnosed with cancer in her pancreas, liver and lungs.   Up until this point Darian, grandma took sole care of herself and was adamant about doing so.

In the last post “Fly Quiet Mom.”   I told you a bit about my last visit in person with her.  Here are a few more details I would like to share with you about this precious and memorable time I spent with her by her bed.

Your grandmother, if you remember, was a small petite lady, with a quiet presence.   In her final weeks and in this visit with her I witnessed her determination to not fight to stay alive, as she discussed with me that she “knew.”   She would not be returning home this time.   As she came to a peace with her dying, she also emerged with quiet vocals about her wishes in her passing, as if she knew she had “Rights” in the way she needed it to be so she could “process” this very natural and difficult time.   She also made sure that her nutritional nurse was clear that she would NOT have 5 nutritional shakes and that it would in fact be JUST ONE!

Darian, no matter how strained, estranged or perfectly close my relationship has been with her, she is my Mom, and I can tell you, the clear reality that she would be leaving for a place that I am not sure of, is and was a strange and mysterious feeling that I believe most children will experience.

I was on my way to see her again and as I was leaving the Northern California area, I got a call from my cousin Suzanne.   I knew when she called what she was going to say.   Grandma knew I was coming, and earlier that morning at 2:35 am, I woke up in my room and felt a dense feeling, like the presence of a person was there.  I had been very edgy and restless that night, knowing that I would be making that journey down south again, and knowing the 14 days prior had been grueling for your Uncle Jim and cousins, Susan and Penny, that they held a continuous vigil with her.

When I started to wake up in my room, it was her, grandma that gave me two messages.  The first was, “Be Well Charla,” and the second was “I LOVE YOU.”    With that message she kissed me on the forehead, and the dense feeling disappeared.

Darian, I believed her.   All of her messages, I didn’t hear what she said, I FELT THEM.   There is the language of feeling and I believe that this blog isn’t just my words but an energetic language that YOU CAN FEEL TOO.

When I pulled over to take Susan’s call, I hThe Sleeping Ladyad a hard time finding a spot on the street.  When I finally found one, it was right under a sign that I did not notice.   I went into this restaurant to get a cup of coffee, and when I came out I looked up, I saw this sign, “The Sleeping Lady.”

At that moment, I just knew that “She was and is fine, for an eternity.”

Be well sweet son, knowing I am just “A Thought Away.”

Mom

FLY QUIET MOM

Dear beautiful son Darian,Grandma & Sweet Darian

I have made several trips down to be with your Grandmother in recent months.   She now is in her final hours of being here with all of us.

When I came home 10 days ago I flew out of Burbank Airport.   It was after an arduous 2 day trip of seeing her and being “REAL” with her.   When I boarded the plane it was evening, and as I looked out the window as the plane began its liftoff, I read a sign that said “FLY QUIET.”

Since this was an airport and I was on a jet I was not sure how these big planes were supposed to “FLY QUIET?”

In 48 hours so much had been addressed.   Your uncle and I had spent what seemed our entire lives attached to this home, and all of the people and memories it held and contained.    All of the family drama, family code of silences, and happy and surprising stories and items that had seemed to be lost, began to be found and uncovered.

You know Darian, many of us look for “signs” when those we love are dying, in order to comfort ourselves and others in these often confusing and painful times.

As I saw that sign on the tarmac of the airport and read it, just then a shooting star, veered steady and straight towards what you could call the ‘Heavens.’    Was that Grandma telling me she was working out her departure and to not worry about her?

I swear I have never seen a shooting star in LA, too dense with people and lights.   But with God as my witness, that shooting star was as bright as could be and it carried my mom’s message to me, and that was clear!

Darian, while I visited with your Grandma, she reminisced about many of her childhood memories and she remember that a song she sang in the Glee Club.   I took my iPhone and searched on the internet for it.   The song is titled “Going Home.”    It is a beautiful classic hymn, and as she began to sing it, a memory she had never shared with me until this point, I saw a woman, 92, my Mom, your Grandmother, become free of all that had gone wrong, of all that had pained her, and in her voice she started to lift off.

I had many hours to learn that even if those that have held us had hurt us, to remember that when they were holding us with their tenderness, that “It does count.”

I pondered a most important question that came to my mind, “What do I or you want to hold onto more………  the disappointment or the LOVE?”

I did contact your dad to let him know what was going on with your Grandmother, in the hope that he would allow a moment for you to workout your own Farewell with her.    At this point, I have had no word from him.

Darian, you made grandma a “Grandmother,’  and I know she will carry with her for an eternity the precious memories and joy filled times with you.

God Speed,  Mom.    Your almost Home.

We Love You,
Charla and Darian

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Grandpa Loved You So Much !

GrandpaGrandpa was more excited than even me, (Almost) to meet you, to hold you, to see that you were real.   I had a late start to Motherhood but the perfect time for you, Darian Charles Rahmat !

This picture was taken on your exact one year birthday, October 18,1998.   We lived in an Eiklier in Terra Linda, Marin, California and my dreams of my family could not have been more complete at that time.

I remember your Grandpa, my dad that raised me, asking me why I gave you his (actually our middle name, Charles) and I remember telling him, because I loved knowing that I came from a linage that included him and his father.

I had been adopted in my early infancy and I remembered, I felt different and longed to feel I really belonged.   I was always uneasy with this and always curious about where my feelings might lead.

I did not want you to ever feel exposed or the same as I did.   So as any great mommy, or actress for that matter, I went along with the show that I choose to marry into.

It was so important to me that I gave and provided an environment for you both on my side as well as your fathers side that we traveled far distances to be with your father’s family and for my family and grandparents to come be with you when ever they could be.

Darian the bottom line is, YOU ARE LOVED BY SO MANY, and in the midst of your father’s persistent alienation, your 92 year old Grandmother and all of our family, loves you, prays for you and misses you and has missed you dearly!

As a continuation of your childhood blueprint I am writing this on my Dad’s behalf.   There is not one Father or Mother worth their “salt” that would have separated their child from his or her Parent because they had the money and resources to do so, thinking it was in their child’s BEST interest, and furthermore no “PARENT”, would hold their child hostage from the other parent, just because they said “They can and would do that.”

Know, sweet son tonight your Grandfather Charles is watching over you and he is asking the Angel’s to guide and protect you to grow into the man that we all know you to already be.

Be well Darian we all love and miss you dearly.   We are proud of you.

Mom