You are Loved and Thought of Always…

Happy Holidays to you, Darian and all the readers of Never Give Up Mom,

A couple months ago we traveled to the Riverside Mission Inn to be a part of the beautiful event of my birth father’s wedding, your grandfather Lee. It was a family affair and since most of your cousins and relatives wanted to know about our meeting /reunion I decided that maybe you’d like to meet some of them.

No matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen a loved one or maybe one you’ve never met, consider this, if you are here, born that is, you have family that know of you and want to meet you in person!

Mother Teresa was quoted saying:  “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Mother Teresa

I used to feel this way, I no longer do.

As we open the door of reunion and all that’s possible for our future, contemplate for a moment that there are many that LOVE YOU AND WANT THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO KNOW YOU!

Here is the proof of the connection I’m talking about.

I wish all of the readers of NGUM a New Year Filled with Happiness, Health and Love filled Connection.

Mom

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Follow Your Bliss,Darian…

 

Dear Loved Son,

I am hoping you have had a wonderful start to your last year in High School!

I sense you are working hard and doing your best to get ready to step into the world as a young man. These last few precious months that are left in your primary school years are exciting times. I remember mine clearly and how anxious I was to get started on all of my dreams. There are many incredible teachers I’ve had along the way and many insightful authors,speakers and courses I still continue to engage with. I believe learning is a life long practice and I hope you feel the same too. Some of my favorites are, Maya Angelou, John F. Kennedy, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Abraham Lincoln and Dr.Wayne Dyer. There are dozens of great thought leaders I have learned from and many have been some of my best friends. So what can I give you this month to ponder? Well this man, his work and philosophies are among the most impactful and thought provoking I have come across. Maybe you have studied him? After the careers, jobs and work tracks I have had the privilege to engage in I believe the following quote from Joseph Campbell is one of the best bits of knowledge I can share with you.

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”

Joseph Campbell

I love you dear son and believe in you whole-heartedly

2 years oceanLearn, Live and Experience your Life, and above all…Follow your Bliss!

Love you Darian, always will!

Mom

 

My Christmas Gift For You

Santuario De Chimayo

Merry Christmas Dear Son,

A couple of years ago I went to explore, pray and leave a picture of you on the wall at the Santuario De Chimayo. In the raw beauty of the New Mexican landscape is this holy place. There are numerous stories that all share the theme of miracle healing that come from visiting there and from the sacred dirt that lies in a hole in the ground in the cathedral. Santuario De Chimayo drew me into itself like a mother draws you into her arms.

I had heard about the wall of pictures and the power of prayer that came along with the intention of leaving a persons picture there. People come from all over the world, just as I had, to seek healing for their loved ones. In my case it was with my relationship with you. After registering in the chapel store and leaving a prayer request in writing the church took your picture and pinned it to the ever growing wall of people.

el-santuario-de-chimayo

I felt that the journey from San Francisco to the Santuario De Chimayo was a calling.  The fog of grief about our separation with you was starting to lift. I have always felt better if I knew I was doing everything in my power to bring healing to you and our relationship.

The Gift this year is a Practice. By leaving your picture on the “Wall of Prayer”, I also left the results of our separation in Gods Hands, and with that a great deal of pain. Darian, I guess what I’m saying is, our best efforts are good enough. By journeying to the middle of the New Mexico desert and pinning your picture to a prayer wall, the only thing left to do was to was to rest knowing it was enough.

Merry Christmas Beloved Son!

Love you now and ever more,

Mom

To the followers of Never Give Up Mom: Thank you for your years of following my blog and the many encouraging comments you have made. This year I would like to leave you with this thought.  Pin any unresolved problems to the wall of prayer, through this blog and practice the most important act of forgiveness for yourself and see what happens. That could be the most precious gift you can receive. Our sons, daughters and other family members that love us, want us to be free of pain and suffering.  I am wishing for you the magic of a holy holiday season and lightness that comes from relinquishing the burdens of your past.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to you and yours!!

“I can not logically explain what is going on at El Santuario, but our Lord is there, and he listens.”[March 1997] – See more at: http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/2168

I TRY NOT TO TAKE THE SILENCE TO HEART…BUT I CAN’T HELP MYSELF SOMETIMES

Beautiful Son Darian,

This is the eve of my birthday. I have come to belief and practice that one should ask for what they want in their life.   I also believe that one needs to work for and earn that as well, at least that is what I have found to be true, so here goes…

But before I make my GREAT DESIRE KNOWN, let me start by thanking all of my friends and some family for their support, prayers and love regarding this Blog of Love and Communication to You and to all parents and children that have been led away or stolen from one another.call me

Darian, I guess one reason why I write again so soon is because I am one year older and wiser and more alive, and I just don’t want to let more time pass without saying I love you and I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

So, if you can find a way to contact me in any way I will love that, be it a dream, a thought, via this blog or any other way possible.

BE BOLD, ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT, DON’T JUDGE YOURSELF OR OTHERS, BE INSPIRED BY THINGS NOT SO OBVIOUS, SEE BETWEEN THE LINES, AND DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.YOUR HEART UNDERSTANDS THE TRUTH AND IT REQUIRES SILENCE TO KNOW.

I love you dear son, always have always will…

MOM

Out of Sight, Never out of Mind

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

I have been remiss in getting a writing to you and I will say I am sorry for that.Though you and I have not seen each other in many years now and you may be out of my physical sight you are NEVER out of my mind and NEVER out of my heart with thoughts of love and care for you. Each and every day I wake up you are with me. I know this is your Junior year and I am hoping you are finding subjects to be passionate about and new adventures to engage in.
I spoke to a friend recently and told him of my “writers block” having to do with my blog to you, and he said Charla, it does not have to be a writing from the sermon on the mount, just tell him how you are and that of course you love him!
So with that advice I will say this to you. I am well Darian and my day’s are filled with meaningful work and new relationships. I see in a way that faith can only allow us to see. There is good in most of my ventures and peace throughout most of my days. Most of the time I’m able to see by faith and not exclusively by sight. There is never a moment though, weather I am aware of it or not that I don’t miss you and silently pray for your protection and every bit of happiness for you.

That prayer is and always will be unending.
I am proud of you in everything that I  know you are, and hold dear for you everything you wish to be. I know every bit of your spirit and I trust that God’s navigation of your life with the choices that you are making will be for good.
I wish I could be there with you to see your victories and failures and everything in between. But until the time we are able to meet again and I can hold you near know and trust you are never further than a thought away from me.

With all the precious love I have for you now and forever,

Mom

Forgivness and my meeting with Imaculee Ilibagiza

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

It has been nearly 3 years since I have seen you, and about that amount of time since I have heard your sweet voice, or had any tangible contact with you until now.Immaculee ILibagiza

You may not know this woman I am standing with, and in the event you do not, let me introduce her to you and the rest of the world.   Her name is Imaculee Ilibagiza, and she is one of the few Women from the Tutsi Tribe of Rwanda, Africa, to have survived the slaughter of all of her tribe, her friends, and all of her family.

In her book called “Left to Tell,” which I read when we were living back in Ventura, I was riveted by her story, her undeniable faith, her will to survive, and now after listening and seeing her at a Hay House event in Austin, Texas, last week, her ability to understand and “Practice Forgiveness.”    You might also want to see the YouTube videos on her experiences.

Darian, her story of this unfathomable event and the 90 days during which she and a handful of other women were hidden in a very small bathroom in order for her life and the lives of others to be spared had me magnetized many years ago.   I never thought  in my lifetime I would have the chance to meet her, and much less tell her our story of the controlled separation that we have both experienced.

Darian what Immaculee ILibagizais amazing is her compassion for her family’s murderer’s and her ability to forgive them is unfounded.   She emulates Jesus’ central message which I believe is to forgive those who trespass against us, and I will freely admit this has been the greatest test for me.  Her compassion for our story was evident and her call for me to continue to believe in God was paramount.

So dear son, my message to you today in this post is this:    When you need someone to mentor to you, make sure you look for a “Champion,” and if that Champion does not have the courage to place forgiveness at the top of their necessary protocols for dealing with the difficult to impossible people in their lives, look for another person that is a true Giant and Champion among us all.   For a true man or woman that possess these rare strengths will help you to grow into a man that has the right mix of love, kindness, insights, fearlessness, and a boldness that means no harm to themselves or others.

Darian let your brilliance and compassion for yourself and others shine!    I know you do and believe you will!

With Unending Love For You,
Mom

This is your room…

My dear Son Darian,

I hope this letter of love and caring finds you well.    I know this is the next post on a blog, a way, to communicate my enduring and unending love and support for you.   As you are getting ready to finish your junior year in high school, I hope it has been a wonderful, stimulating and invigorating time for you.

In the past week, I have felt your presence and thoughts.   Some people may think and even believe that you can’t be with those we love unless they are standing in our orb.   I think quiet opposite of that.

I asked in prayer on Mother’s Day to have some sort of communication with you, as any and ALL Mothers would. Within a few minutes I sensed a change within me, and observed your presence and without a moment’s delay, thoughts that were not mine began to fill my heart and then my mind.

I thank you for your communication in any form it comes to me and as I continue to rely on my faith in the unseen, I can focus my attention on you and believe you receive my love, and care in everything you are doing.5-14

For me some of the most important and comforting memories were those times when your Grandpa would say to me, “Just come home and stay for awhile, you have your room here.”   That gave me a sense of belonging that was so important and vital.    It gave me the energy to continue on my path as a world class makeup artist and it gave me the mental support that I needed even though I never took Grandpa up on his offer until his last few months of his life.    My spirit always remembered that I had a place to rest and renew and remake my life in any way I needed. And with that knowledge, I went on to achieve many of my dreams and goals as a young makeup artist in the film business.

As I prepare a home for me, it comes with a room for you ……. ALWAYS!

Sometimes even if it is only in our minds, it makes all the difference to know there is ALWAYS A ROOM, to come home to if you need rest, recreation, restoration and renewal.

Be well my darling and precious son and know I am proud of you and all of your efforts in this past school year.

With love and pride for you always,

Mom

Happy 16th Birthday to My Beautiful Son, Darian !

Beautiful Darian,happy 16

Happy, Happy Birthday and as they sing” Many Many More,” in the birthday song.    Of course I know the date isn’t until the 18th, but as far as I am concerned,  I celebrate YOU the whole month of October.     I woke up early this morning and the ideas were pouring into my mind as to what to say to you this year.

Since your Grandmother passed away in June, I have been going through boxes, jewelry boxes, and finding “True” treasures from her life and my past.

While I was waiting to be adopted, your Grandmother and Grandpa had been given a beautiful little card from a lady that was caring for me.   They don’t make these little cards anymore, today, you would call them vintage.    Someone had cut two pieces of my hair and taped them on the back of the card.    Funny, that hair color looks about the same as it does now.    My purpose in telling you this is, all my life I had played around with looking different  in my hair color, and so many other things.    I was always looking to change and enhance myself and here this card sits, 54 years later, and I Love what God gave me from the beginning!

The card says:   “Dear Charla Rae, I want to tell you that you have come to live with a very lovely family who will give you much love and make you lovely.    I Congratulate You!    Sincerely Yours, Alathena Smith.”

The day my life changed forever.

The day my life changed forever.

We all have our beginning into this world and I can tell you, your beginning was cared for by me as if “My Life” depended on you coming into this world.    Darian simply said, I so desired to Connect and Love in a way I had never known before you, so I believe God breathed his life into you and even in the midst of some birthing difficulties you came into this world and the moment my cheek touched yours, “Well, I have never been the same.”    I felt like every cell had new life and breath.   My depth of purpose and understanding as to why I am here became so clear and strong and changed immediately.    When I held you and looked into your eyes and you into mine, well I became not just your Mom, I got my prayer’s answered.   As you can see in this picture when you were born a picture is worth a million words and miles.

I have come to believe that even in the most difficult births and circumstances surrounding all of our most tender beginnings, God is there.  I have been told some hurtful things as to my life beginning and I have come to KNOW, it simply is not true.   I know God wants me to tell others the same, that they ARE INDEED LOVED AND WITHOUT HIS BREATH THEY WOULDN’T BE HERE, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IN THEIR NATURAL LIVES.   That is a very difficult one to digest and believe some days, so be forgiving and gentle when you meet that person. This also applies to us as well.

Maybe I am writing this in part for me to remember right now, maybe for you.   But either way nothing could stop me if we had a safe environment to see each other in.

Darian, there are many times in life that hurt comes from people that are deeply hurt and wounded in themselves, or have a false sense of themselves, and all they can think to do is inflict their pain and ideas on others.   God made every one of us (difficult as that is for me to fully grasp and understand), and as I am sifting through the various opportunities of my life right now , the one thing that is clear, all of us wouldn’t be here if we weren’t suppose to be….. Period!

I know It has been a long-haul being threatened and forced to be away from you these past five years and yet I have learned that I am resourceful and persistent.

I celebrate you and remember every detail of your courageous and tender entrance in this life, I even kept a 3-5 minute labor diary the 36 hours before your birth..

In my dream’s this morning I woke up seeing you and holding one of my Grandchildren, and just like in this picture I was looking into the eyes of perfection and loving every moment.     It was the greatest time for me of feeling UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I am here Darian, in Northern California, and when I am not longing but connecting to you, I AM WITH YOU.

I was given a beautiful painting by Dayle when we were on one of our journeys.   He said it reminded him of us.

A PERFECT LOVE BETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD.Mother & Child

So go blow your candles out and make a wish or many, I will be smiling and loving you from here.

Happy 16th Birthday Dear and Special Son!

Love you, always have always will.

Mom

Sleeping Lady…

Dear beautiful Son Darian,

As I begin the writing of this post, and I think it is the most difficult one that I have written so far, let me share with you how MUCH I would like to be with you in person to tell you this.
mom4
On June 30, 2013, at 10:00 a.m.,  your Grandmother Lucille passed away in La Mirada near her home.

She, at the age of 92, had been admitted to a wonderful facility and had good care with many of our family visiting her consistently.   Several weeks before her admittance, she was diagnosed with cancer in her pancreas, liver and lungs.   Up until this point Darian, grandma took sole care of herself and was adamant about doing so.

In the last post “Fly Quiet Mom.”   I told you a bit about my last visit in person with her.  Here are a few more details I would like to share with you about this precious and memorable time I spent with her by her bed.

Your grandmother, if you remember, was a small petite lady, with a quiet presence.   In her final weeks and in this visit with her I witnessed her determination to not fight to stay alive, as she discussed with me that she “knew.”   She would not be returning home this time.   As she came to a peace with her dying, she also emerged with quiet vocals about her wishes in her passing, as if she knew she had “Rights” in the way she needed it to be so she could “process” this very natural and difficult time.   She also made sure that her nutritional nurse was clear that she would NOT have 5 nutritional shakes and that it would in fact be JUST ONE!

Darian, no matter how strained, estranged or perfectly close my relationship has been with her, she is my Mom, and I can tell you, the clear reality that she would be leaving for a place that I am not sure of, is and was a strange and mysterious feeling that I believe most children will experience.

I was on my way to see her again and as I was leaving the Northern California area, I got a call from my cousin Suzanne.   I knew when she called what she was going to say.   Grandma knew I was coming, and earlier that morning at 2:35 am, I woke up in my room and felt a dense feeling, like the presence of a person was there.  I had been very edgy and restless that night, knowing that I would be making that journey down south again, and knowing the 14 days prior had been grueling for your Uncle Jim and cousins, Susan and Penny, that they held a continuous vigil with her.

When I started to wake up in my room, it was her, grandma that gave me two messages.  The first was, “Be Well Charla,” and the second was “I LOVE YOU.”    With that message she kissed me on the forehead, and the dense feeling disappeared.

Darian, I believed her.   All of her messages, I didn’t hear what she said, I FELT THEM.   There is the language of feeling and I believe that this blog isn’t just my words but an energetic language that YOU CAN FEEL TOO.

When I pulled over to take Susan’s call, I hThe Sleeping Ladyad a hard time finding a spot on the street.  When I finally found one, it was right under a sign that I did not notice.   I went into this restaurant to get a cup of coffee, and when I came out I looked up, I saw this sign, “The Sleeping Lady.”

At that moment, I just knew that “She was and is fine, for an eternity.”

Be well sweet son, knowing I am just “A Thought Away.”

Mom

FLY QUIET MOM

Dear beautiful son Darian,Grandma & Sweet Darian

I have made several trips down to be with your Grandmother in recent months.   She now is in her final hours of being here with all of us.

When I came home 10 days ago I flew out of Burbank Airport.   It was after an arduous 2 day trip of seeing her and being “REAL” with her.   When I boarded the plane it was evening, and as I looked out the window as the plane began its liftoff, I read a sign that said “FLY QUIET.”

Since this was an airport and I was on a jet I was not sure how these big planes were supposed to “FLY QUIET?”

In 48 hours so much had been addressed.   Your uncle and I had spent what seemed our entire lives attached to this home, and all of the people and memories it held and contained.    All of the family drama, family code of silences, and happy and surprising stories and items that had seemed to be lost, began to be found and uncovered.

You know Darian, many of us look for “signs” when those we love are dying, in order to comfort ourselves and others in these often confusing and painful times.

As I saw that sign on the tarmac of the airport and read it, just then a shooting star, veered steady and straight towards what you could call the ‘Heavens.’    Was that Grandma telling me she was working out her departure and to not worry about her?

I swear I have never seen a shooting star in LA, too dense with people and lights.   But with God as my witness, that shooting star was as bright as could be and it carried my mom’s message to me, and that was clear!

Darian, while I visited with your Grandma, she reminisced about many of her childhood memories and she remember that a song she sang in the Glee Club.   I took my iPhone and searched on the internet for it.   The song is titled “Going Home.”    It is a beautiful classic hymn, and as she began to sing it, a memory she had never shared with me until this point, I saw a woman, 92, my Mom, your Grandmother, become free of all that had gone wrong, of all that had pained her, and in her voice she started to lift off.

I had many hours to learn that even if those that have held us had hurt us, to remember that when they were holding us with their tenderness, that “It does count.”

I pondered a most important question that came to my mind, “What do I or you want to hold onto more………  the disappointment or the LOVE?”

I did contact your dad to let him know what was going on with your Grandmother, in the hope that he would allow a moment for you to workout your own Farewell with her.    At this point, I have had no word from him.

Darian, you made grandma a “Grandmother,’  and I know she will carry with her for an eternity the precious memories and joy filled times with you.

God Speed,  Mom.    Your almost Home.

We Love You,
Charla and Darian

motherslove

Roots and Wings……

Of all the places in the world I am here and you are there, wherever that might be.   I have come to believe it is truly in our minds.   Possibly a little deep or confusing at this early time in this morning, but I must write to you and share about the PEACE I AM EXPERIENCING.

After too many years of striving and grieving, fighting and hiding, shaming and blaming,
I am in acceptance.

I cannot change the people that have the power to dictate your every move in your life.   I never will.   I have come to believe through an interview that I have seen (over and over), by a man named Gregg Braden, that ALL OF US ARE CELLULARLY A PART OF EACH OTHER.   He is a scientist and visionary and speaks on this topic at length.   I found this interview on one of the most valuable CD’s I own, Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life.”

In the part of his interview called “The Size Of A Little Green Pea,” he explains how if science were to take out all of the space and condense all of the atoms in this vast universe, it would all condense all of us down to the size of a Little Green Pea !

Maybe this mean nothing to you, but what I have come to believe is this, after all of the torment and fighting for my right to see and be with you, I already am with you.   Maybe not in the way I wanted it to be, but I Am in the way that God sees fit for now.   In the way things were it was the equivalent to putting two crazy cats in a little paper bag and pleading with them to stop their fighting.

Darian we are linked, I am your Mom.   That is truth. I will always love you and no one or nothing can ever take that TRUTH away from you or me.   No person, place or thing can ever change that fact.   But what has changed for me is the belief that I have to continue to fight, For you.   We are simply a part of each other, as you are a part of your Dad.    You were conceived in love and raised up in love.

I am told you are doing well in school and with your life, and I truly do hope we can share as much of that in person someday.   But if that does not ever come to pass, that will have to just be OK.   Without question as I have viewed you on your YouTube videos, you are a handsome, smart and empathetic young man, and that brings a smile to not only my face, but in my heart, and a calmness to my soul.
I am so proud of you.     There is only one cat in this bag and for now SHE is at PEACE.
carter
Be well, Live in Peace, wake up early to hear birds begin their singing, they do it every day. And I noticed that if they are not, they are simply waiting for the storm to pass.   And when THE STORMS DO PASS AND THEY ALWAYS DO, there is a PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING.   Then the singing begins again.

No more Courts, or  Lawyers, or fighting for a stance on how to raise you.   THAT IS OVER FOR ME.

There is a benefit to the internet, and that is, when you have the freedom in your life, dear son to seek me out, it will not take much to find me.   Just follow the cyber trail of Charla Miller and either I will be waiting for you with open arms and heart, or others will have the precious memories of your young years to give to you.   Either way or neither way WE ALL CONDENSE INTO THE SIZE OF A LITTLE GREEN PEA!

I LOVE YOU DARIAN, ALWAYS HAVE ALWAYS WILL !
MOM

What You Sweet Darian and The Great John Wooden have in common !

Dear Son,

We are in full swing here in Northern California Sports, sports everywhere.   Not enough TV screens to support all the activity in this sports crazed and illustrious area of some of the best championship teams in the world.   I love it !   We always had some sort of game on in our home and chicken of some kind cooking in the kitchen.   Before dinner on Poli, a good old fashioned game of  hoops with the neighborhood kids and then a snack of yogurt.

I came across this paper as I am continuing the process of excavating my life with you.   I got this from a class that I took at UCLA.  This class was called “A VISIONARY CLASS.”

The Great John Wooden one of the most winning coaches in the sport of college basketball was one of the “visionary’s” that was showcased in this course.   He was a legend and is legendary.   His name is synonymous with respect.

There are very few people that I have met, and I have had the great fortune to have met many famous people, that left such a positive and unusually humble impression on me.  I took this course over 25 years ago and I can recall all of my time listening to him and all of the great ball players that came to our class to pay this man their respect and homage.

As I raised you and watched you over the first  decade or so, there are so many similarities to what John says here and the innate characteristics that you have always possessed.

Read this sweet son and know, that it does not matter what the new “thing is” or the seeming greatest trend in this moment that makes a great MAN.   It is truly the respect that you have for yourself.  I can promise this, respect is not an over inflated prospective of self but a caring and committed and kind view and towards others.5-18-13

THIS IS WHAT YOU AND JOHN WOODEN
HAVE FIRMLY IN COMMON.

Be Great DARIAN because you are, be kind and fair because it is your nature.   Be committed to individuals that may not have known commitment from others.  And with patience you will surly come to know your dreams and goals.

I am proud of you Darian.   I love you, always have always will.

Mom

MOM IS…..

Dear Beautiful Son,

I always feel when I begin to write another post to you how strange it feels, the passing of time, since I have connected with you last month in April’s post.   I am not sure why our little blog of LOVE TO YOU, is growing or even who the viewers are, but I will suspect that beyond the heartache that some people might feel about our situation, I am beginning to FEEL, that “They” are wanting to hear about an actual reunion between us!

ME TOO….

In this post, I am dedicating it to all the Mothers in this world.   Just as you, sweet Darian, once so profoundly dedicated this beautiful poem to me, and presented it to me as a gift one year, I would like to share it with others.   It is the first and last piece of art that I see every day that helps to remind me that you so purposefully observed me and us in all of those impressionable young years.   It is truly my most treasured voice I have from your heart.

      Mom Ismom is . . .

                by Darian Rahmat

She is Fantastic and Beautiful

She sees me playing baseball

She wants me to do my Best

She understands when I am sad

She tries to do her best

She hopes I will go to college

She Says I LOVE YOU!

She is fantastic and beautiful.

I thank you for all the joy of first’s that you gave to me as your Mom, all of the times you took my breath away by just simply being you.   I thank you for all the times of your deep and loving and kind observations of me, and all of your times of forgiveness when I failed at being strong.   I could not have asked for a more sensitive and sweet son that allowed me to be apart of such a perfect love.   Yes of course, I would love more than anything to talk to you on Mother’s Day or any day for that matter, but I am coming to believe that though I may not hear words from your mouth, I feel the language you are speaking to me in my heart.   And for this matter I am grateful.

Thank you sweet son, I love you too!

Mom

Grandpa Loved You So Much !

GrandpaGrandpa was more excited than even me, (Almost) to meet you, to hold you, to see that you were real.   I had a late start to Motherhood but the perfect time for you, Darian Charles Rahmat !

This picture was taken on your exact one year birthday, October 18,1998.   We lived in an Eiklier in Terra Linda, Marin, California and my dreams of my family could not have been more complete at that time.

I remember your Grandpa, my dad that raised me, asking me why I gave you his (actually our middle name, Charles) and I remember telling him, because I loved knowing that I came from a linage that included him and his father.

I had been adopted in my early infancy and I remembered, I felt different and longed to feel I really belonged.   I was always uneasy with this and always curious about where my feelings might lead.

I did not want you to ever feel exposed or the same as I did.   So as any great mommy, or actress for that matter, I went along with the show that I choose to marry into.

It was so important to me that I gave and provided an environment for you both on my side as well as your fathers side that we traveled far distances to be with your father’s family and for my family and grandparents to come be with you when ever they could be.

Darian the bottom line is, YOU ARE LOVED BY SO MANY, and in the midst of your father’s persistent alienation, your 92 year old Grandmother and all of our family, loves you, prays for you and misses you and has missed you dearly!

As a continuation of your childhood blueprint I am writing this on my Dad’s behalf.   There is not one Father or Mother worth their “salt” that would have separated their child from his or her Parent because they had the money and resources to do so, thinking it was in their child’s BEST interest, and furthermore no “PARENT”, would hold their child hostage from the other parent, just because they said “They can and would do that.”

Know, sweet son tonight your Grandfather Charles is watching over you and he is asking the Angel’s to guide and protect you to grow into the man that we all know you to already be.

Be well Darian we all love and miss you dearly.   We are proud of you.

Mom

You are Bold Darian…

Dear beautiful son,

Sometimes it is so difficult to begin to write to you and figure out how toDarian-onboard reach you through this blog.    It is so important to me to share myself through this way of communication, because it is the most tangible way I can.

I will take out things that you wrote and crafts you made that I have saved.   You summarized a book named “Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes,” and you wrote about a little girl named Sadako that was a victim of the atom bomb being dropped in Hiroshima, her life and eventual death.

I don’t ever remember reading it, probably seeing it in the midst of all of the paper work that came home on a weekly basis.

One thing that I know deeply is the regret I have not taking in all of the milestones that came and went so quickly.

I have many wonderful memories, and as I am sifting through your work as a young boy I see what you have written about the court issues that you were forced to take place in, and what you wrote about them.

I am so sorry for how it all just turned into such a nightmare, and though I can not go back in time and redo anything, I wish I could.

You wrote at the end of the Sadako story that “This is our cry, this is our Prayer, Peace in the World!”

And I suspect that was your own personal cry in our world.   I am truly sorry for all that I contributed to in making the last year that we were together, such a place of uncertainty and unrest.

I didn’t know how to stop all of the court battles, my fear about loosing our home, my business,and the general crash of my world and how to recreate it as fast as I could.

You were always so courageous and brave and kind, and I saw the bold nature you had as well.   I know things were scary, and if I could redo anything in my life it would have been just that.

In one of the chapters you write, “legend says if 1,000 paper cranes are made, then wishes are granted.”

Just know as I write this message to you, the paper is being folded into 1,000 Paper Cranes, and will be ready soon to fly overhead to protect you and grant you your wishes.

I Love and Miss You Darian, Always Have Always Will,

Mom

I AM FROM……

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,Darian_note

One of the most PRECIOUS things I have is a framed work of art and poetry from you.

You not only gave it to me as a gift you recited it to me in front of a whole audience. I believe it was your 4th grade year.   You and all of your class mates did a recital of your precious feelings and observations of your lives.

You were challenged in your reading skills, but you were always incredibly clear in your levels of verbal and non verbal communication.   I will never forget that as you stood before all of the parents that attended that special event, once you began to recite what you had written, you never once took your eyes off of me.

I was so taken by your focus and deep ability to remember your poem and project with such emotion.  It not only touched me deeply but all who sat and watched you.   At the end of your performance, I looked around and I was one of many parents that had tears in her eyes.  We were all surprised at the maturity and poise you possessed that day.

I often Darian drink tea out of a cup that has these written words on it and it is truly fitting for what I just wrote about you:

‘Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the number of moments that take our breath away….’

And that moment at Poinsetta Elementary School, IS ONE OF THOSE REMARKABLE MEMORIES FOR ME!

You took my breath away in so many, many things that I have memories of.   I am praying daily for you and your care, and I do look forward to the day that we can be together again and make our own new memories.

Until that day comes, I hope you are enjoying your year at school and all of the precious times, both good and challenging that come with being 15.

Darian

I love you Darian, always have, always will.

MOM

Your intuition is your Best Friend

My dear Darian,

In my mornings I wake up and put on the tea kettle and pull a bag of tea out with a message.   This message struck me as most useful.   I look at the picture of youdarian as a young baseball player, so focused, so daring, so strong.

In this day and age (and in the age you are particularly in right now) this little thought is very telling, powerful and needs two things in order for it to give you discernment.   Life is loud, immediate, fast and people are many times impatient.

One must find silence in their being, environment and peace in their mind-set in order to know what your intuition is telling them.

Think of your intuition as your best friend, greatest ally, and I believe God.   Intuition is there to guide and protect you.   To alarm you and make you aware of dangers either by your decisions or those others around you.

Your intuition will guide you when decisions need to be made, if you give this God-given power the space and time and the silence it needs to help you.

Right now I am engaged in making some decisions that will affect me for this next year if not many years to come.

My vision is to continue to get prepared for you.   No matter what God’s design is for our reunion.   The decisions I make I make with you in mind.

I realize it may be years before you can come and meet and see me or it may be tomorrow.   But the decisions I am making for myself right now have you in mind.

Darian I know many years ago was a nightmare for both of us, but my intuition tells me that no matter how hellish times have been in my past, It IS THE RIGHT NOW THAT COUNTS!   And that is, moment by moment making good decisions will allow me to have a flourishing finish to life.

This is one of my prayers for you in your growth, to come to know that your intuition can and will serve you well.

I Love You Sweet Son,
Mom

What would I say to you Darian for this New Year?

I am so sorry that I could not talk to you again this past Christmas, I am sorry your father still won’t get over his bitter grievances that happened so long ago.

Darian, “Finding Your Voice,” even if you are probably not able to voice your thoughts, in your current home, is and will be so important to your well-being, mental and emotional health, and ultimately to your entire life as a young man.

I recently watched “The Kings Speech,” again, and as I have had no voice in the matter of parenting you in the past four years, and loving you, this blog has become my ‘Voice,” to you and others, that are in this situation, with the other parent that believes that alienating and stealing their child, through the mountain of lies, money spent in court cases, more grotesque lies, and eventually driving the other parent away, due thinkingto very real threats, like “I Will Destroy You, no matter how many courts in the Land it takes.”

Find your voice Darian, even if it has a different tone, or in writing, or in any other form you desire, so you can stay well and remember that you were always wanted, cherished and destined to be here, even though they have kept you from me!

Your voice even if its is in your own mind, for now, can help you navigate your way through trouble, and your voice is there to warn you in situations, when you need a “True North” inner compass in life.

I pray, as Sister Gloria, still continues to pray for me and as I am sure for you, that God and his angels, whisper my thoughts to you of encouragement and cheer for this year ahead. Remember I have the same phone number and I am only a handful of hours away, in the event you want to be in touch. My family, your family has started to discover that there is a way for them to send their love, promises for your future, and solidarity as YOUR OTHER FAMILY!!!

We all love you, Darian, Happy 2013 ….. I hope God gives you what you are needing this year and never dismiss, those whispers, even though you may think you are imagining my VOICE, you’re not.

I HAVE A VOICE DARIAN, AND SO DO YOU. I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL SON.

Mom

AND TO ALL THAT NEED A MOTHERS ENCOURAGEMENT FOR YOUR YEAR AHEAD,
FIND YOUR VOICE!