My Meeting with Nez Erok

Hello My Beloved Son Darian,

As I continue in my life to seek out and be a part of healing, hope, art, and influence, I was able to put this opportunity together with singer, film maker, counselor, and life coach, Nez Erok.

She was going to be in LA for one evening, after flying from Australia, to show her film, Laid To Rest,’ where it was an entry at the Awareness Film Festival.   I contacted her PR person and told our story of our separation, and my wish to meet her.    In fact, I needed to meet this woman that so boldly carries her message to the world.

Her message is of hope and healing through trauma, with a  profound awareness of the ugliness in domestic abuses of all kinds, and the senseless atrocities and victimization to children around the world.Charla-Nez Erok

Nez is so striking on camera and in her music videos. I was searching the internet on all subject matter of ‘Beauty,’ and her song Beautiful came up.    She was so captivating I couldn’t turn away.

I write this blog because this is, for now, the only way I can bridge the distance and time between me and you.   As I have continued to write to you over these past few years, and have never given up communicating to you, the WORLD reads my messages of LOVE for you and my unending support to you.

I know ‘Never Give Up Mom’ has made a difference to some, even with all the information on the internet . . .  “Never Give Up Mom” was initially a whisper from you to me, and it has now become a mantra of healing for others.

I love you darling young man Darian.

I always have, always will.


To Love Something Despite


“It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart?   We love what we love.   Reason does not enter into it.   In many ways, unwise love is the truest love.   Anyone can love a thing because.   That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket.   But to love something despite.   To know the flaws and love them too.   That is rare and pure and perfect.”       ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

They Tried To Bury Us But They Didn’t Know We Were Seeds

Happy New Year My Dear Son Darian,

I hope this post finds you well.   I couldn’t wish anything else for you.   As I write this for you and every other person in this world that has lost a love and contiseedsnues to desire a communication with them weather they are living or not, I came across this saying in Pinterest tonight.   This is a seed of love for you and so many.

The title of this post is a Mexican Proverb, so apt because WE have a blood line that is Mexican and so many other nationalities as well.   I used to think down upon this when I was younger but I have come to find that it’s not your blood line that is important but how you see each individual person and most importantly YOURSELF.   I know your dad is from Iran and that is a sever button for many especially in these times, and I’ll admit I’m wondering what the heck these acts that some people carry out, I mean what the HELL can a person be thinking that carry out such atrocities??   It is not holy it’s criminal.

Maybe this post won’t make sense to you and maybe it will anger the beast, but I have been writing for over 2 years to my son in this country of the “free” and I have not had 1 time that I could see you in peace.   It has been more than 6 years.    I have been lied about in 4 courts of law and I simply ran out of money and resources to defend our right to have a peaceful co-parenting existence.   This Is Parent Alienation.

I have been jailed, and basically run out of the county that I raised you in.

I just watched ‘Blood Diamond’ with Leonardo Di Caprio and the boy that is the subject in the movie was stolen, like you, and his father does what ever he can to get him back.   So instead of me writing another post of my enduring devotion and love for you I’m gonna start this year with a bit of fire…seems more appropriate.   Life is short make it count Darian.

I will always be as outspoken with my enduring love for you and your welfare, and I’ll not put myself in harms way any more to see you, but Darian you are on the heels of being a man.   I pray for your happiness every day and your safety.   But I am here and I trust you have every conceivable way to contact me, every way.   I know you are also up against a very difficult situation too.   I have come to terms in most of my day’s that I may not see you as well.   What ever it may be, so be it, but I will also still reach out to you so you know clearly that I love and support you each and every day.   If I could do more I would.

I also pray that every parent that holds their child as a hostage just because they are pissed off at their ex-spouse, should be shown the door for their egotistical, pathological complex.

The point is this:   EVERY CHILD HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW THEY ARE LOVED, PERIOD.   Freely and Fully! 

And a child that has been taken and twisted at infinitum about the well being of the other parent is truly sick.

So basically I don’t care what ethnic background you come from, I  care that you act humane and especially when it comes to the welfare of your child, grow the …. up or get off  duty as the parent.   The seeds we plant are important and don’t always come in calm tones.   Love is fierce but never aims to harm.   This is my intention in this post to you.

I love you Darian, I’d love to know how you are.


Merry Christmas Darian!

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

I just arrived home after an evening of music and worship at one of the amazing new coffee places in my neighborhood.   The family that started it came here originally to open a church but after several starts and stops along the way, this opportunity opened up for them and by all appearances, God in his infinite wisdom, leMy Last Christmas With Youad and prepared an inspiring place of great coffee,food and an encouraging atmosphere.   I have to admit as I go about my life church comes and goes for me, but I’m always aware that I have a deep love for God and I know that God’s love for me is always present if I chose to tune in.

The Father took the stage for the last song of the evening with his son.  They are both incredibly talented as singers, writers and musicians.

As I watched Bill, the father, play with his son on stage their joy of each others company  made me smile and cry.   It made me pray that your dad would someday really enjoy you as I had for so many years.   And in enjoying you that his joy would allow you to be free to live and love as you choose.   There is truly nothing more memorable to me than the years I had with you. Watching you grow and develop your talents, mind, athletic stature and your beautiful spirit.   If I had it my way I would be watching and cherishing every moment right now with you.   But I know our time will come again, to be together, and in that perfect timing, not a moment too soon or late, safety, joy, and happiness will surround us all with the unmistakable hand of God.

This has been a phenomenal year of growth and blessing for me and you.   You may wonder how do I know about your year since its been so many years since we have been allowed to contact each other?   The truth is simple.   What happens to me passes to you and vice-versa.   Either in time or in the present energy moment and sweet son, I know your heart, and with that your love and kindness for me and others.   I thank you for coming to me in dreams and whispers of thought.   All you convey to me is heard, felt and appreciated.

Merry Christmas Sweet Darian and A Safe and Happy 2015 To Come!

With Abundant Love For You Always,


Forgivness and my meeting with Imaculee Ilibagiza

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

It has been nearly 3 years since I have seen you, and about that amount of time since I have heard your sweet voice, or had any tangible contact with you until now.Immaculee ILibagiza

You may not know this woman I am standing with, and in the event you do not, let me introduce her to you and the rest of the world.   Her name is Imaculee Ilibagiza, and she is one of the few Women from the Tutsi Tribe of Rwanda, Africa, to have survived the slaughter of all of her tribe, her friends, and all of her family.

In her book called “Left to Tell,” which I read when we were living back in Ventura, I was riveted by her story, her undeniable faith, her will to survive, and now after listening and seeing her at a Hay House event in Austin, Texas, last week, her ability to understand and “Practice Forgiveness.”    You might also want to see the YouTube videos on her experiences.

Darian, her story of this unfathomable event and the 90 days during which she and a handful of other women were hidden in a very small bathroom in order for her life and the lives of others to be spared had me magnetized many years ago.   I never thought  in my lifetime I would have the chance to meet her, and much less tell her our story of the controlled separation that we have both experienced.

Darian what Immaculee ILibagizais amazing is her compassion for her family’s murderer’s and her ability to forgive them is unfounded.   She emulates Jesus’ central message which I believe is to forgive those who trespass against us, and I will freely admit this has been the greatest test for me.  Her compassion for our story was evident and her call for me to continue to believe in God was paramount.

So dear son, my message to you today in this post is this:    When you need someone to mentor to you, make sure you look for a “Champion,” and if that Champion does not have the courage to place forgiveness at the top of their necessary protocols for dealing with the difficult to impossible people in their lives, look for another person that is a true Giant and Champion among us all.   For a true man or woman that possess these rare strengths will help you to grow into a man that has the right mix of love, kindness, insights, fearlessness, and a boldness that means no harm to themselves or others.

Darian let your brilliance and compassion for yourself and others shine!    I know you do and believe you will!

With Unending Love For You,


Dear Beautiful Son,

I always feel when I begin to write another post to you how strange it feels, the passing of time, since I have connected with you last month in April’s post.   I am not sure why our little blog of LOVE TO YOU, is growing or even who the viewers are, but I will suspect that beyond the heartache that some people might feel about our situation, I am beginning to FEEL, that “They” are wanting to hear about an actual reunion between us!


In this post, I am dedicating it to all the Mothers in this world.   Just as you, sweet Darian, once so profoundly dedicated this beautiful poem to me, and presented it to me as a gift one year, I would like to share it with others.   It is the first and last piece of art that I see every day that helps to remind me that you so purposefully observed me and us in all of those impressionable young years.   It is truly my most treasured voice I have from your heart.

      Mom Ismom is . . .

                by Darian Rahmat

She is Fantastic and Beautiful

She sees me playing baseball

She wants me to do my Best

She understands when I am sad

She tries to do her best

She hopes I will go to college

She Says I LOVE YOU!

She is fantastic and beautiful.

I thank you for all the joy of first’s that you gave to me as your Mom, all of the times you took my breath away by just simply being you.   I thank you for all the times of your deep and loving and kind observations of me, and all of your times of forgiveness when I failed at being strong.   I could not have asked for a more sensitive and sweet son that allowed me to be apart of such a perfect love.   Yes of course, I would love more than anything to talk to you on Mother’s Day or any day for that matter, but I am coming to believe that though I may not hear words from your mouth, I feel the language you are speaking to me in my heart.   And for this matter I am grateful.

Thank you sweet son, I love you too!


Grandpa Loved You So Much !

GrandpaGrandpa was more excited than even me, (Almost) to meet you, to hold you, to see that you were real.   I had a late start to Motherhood but the perfect time for you, Darian Charles Rahmat !

This picture was taken on your exact one year birthday, October 18,1998.   We lived in an Eiklier in Terra Linda, Marin, California and my dreams of my family could not have been more complete at that time.

I remember your Grandpa, my dad that raised me, asking me why I gave you his (actually our middle name, Charles) and I remember telling him, because I loved knowing that I came from a linage that included him and his father.

I had been adopted in my early infancy and I remembered, I felt different and longed to feel I really belonged.   I was always uneasy with this and always curious about where my feelings might lead.

I did not want you to ever feel exposed or the same as I did.   So as any great mommy, or actress for that matter, I went along with the show that I choose to marry into.

It was so important to me that I gave and provided an environment for you both on my side as well as your fathers side that we traveled far distances to be with your father’s family and for my family and grandparents to come be with you when ever they could be.

Darian the bottom line is, YOU ARE LOVED BY SO MANY, and in the midst of your father’s persistent alienation, your 92 year old Grandmother and all of our family, loves you, prays for you and misses you and has missed you dearly!

As a continuation of your childhood blueprint I am writing this on my Dad’s behalf.   There is not one Father or Mother worth their “salt” that would have separated their child from his or her Parent because they had the money and resources to do so, thinking it was in their child’s BEST interest, and furthermore no “PARENT”, would hold their child hostage from the other parent, just because they said “They can and would do that.”

Know, sweet son tonight your Grandfather Charles is watching over you and he is asking the Angel’s to guide and protect you to grow into the man that we all know you to already be.

Be well Darian we all love and miss you dearly.   We are proud of you.


You are Bold Darian…

Dear beautiful son,

Sometimes it is so difficult to begin to write to you and figure out how toDarian-onboard reach you through this blog.    It is so important to me to share myself through this way of communication, because it is the most tangible way I can.

I will take out things that you wrote and crafts you made that I have saved.   You summarized a book named “Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes,” and you wrote about a little girl named Sadako that was a victim of the atom bomb being dropped in Hiroshima, her life and eventual death.

I don’t ever remember reading it, probably seeing it in the midst of all of the paper work that came home on a weekly basis.

One thing that I know deeply is the regret I have not taking in all of the milestones that came and went so quickly.

I have many wonderful memories, and as I am sifting through your work as a young boy I see what you have written about the court issues that you were forced to take place in, and what you wrote about them.

I am so sorry for how it all just turned into such a nightmare, and though I can not go back in time and redo anything, I wish I could.

You wrote at the end of the Sadako story that “This is our cry, this is our Prayer, Peace in the World!”

And I suspect that was your own personal cry in our world.   I am truly sorry for all that I contributed to in making the last year that we were together, such a place of uncertainty and unrest.

I didn’t know how to stop all of the court battles, my fear about loosing our home, my business,and the general crash of my world and how to recreate it as fast as I could.

You were always so courageous and brave and kind, and I saw the bold nature you had as well.   I know things were scary, and if I could redo anything in my life it would have been just that.

In one of the chapters you write, “legend says if 1,000 paper cranes are made, then wishes are granted.”

Just know as I write this message to you, the paper is being folded into 1,000 Paper Cranes, and will be ready soon to fly overhead to protect you and grant you your wishes.

I Love and Miss You Darian, Always Have Always Will,



Dear Beautiful Son Darian,Darian_note

One of the most PRECIOUS things I have is a framed work of art and poetry from you.

You not only gave it to me as a gift you recited it to me in front of a whole audience. I believe it was your 4th grade year.   You and all of your class mates did a recital of your precious feelings and observations of your lives.

You were challenged in your reading skills, but you were always incredibly clear in your levels of verbal and non verbal communication.   I will never forget that as you stood before all of the parents that attended that special event, once you began to recite what you had written, you never once took your eyes off of me.

I was so taken by your focus and deep ability to remember your poem and project with such emotion.  It not only touched me deeply but all who sat and watched you.   At the end of your performance, I looked around and I was one of many parents that had tears in her eyes.  We were all surprised at the maturity and poise you possessed that day.

I often Darian drink tea out of a cup that has these written words on it and it is truly fitting for what I just wrote about you:

‘Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the number of moments that take our breath away….’

And that moment at Poinsetta Elementary School, IS ONE OF THOSE REMARKABLE MEMORIES FOR ME!

You took my breath away in so many, many things that I have memories of.   I am praying daily for you and your care, and I do look forward to the day that we can be together again and make our own new memories.

Until that day comes, I hope you are enjoying your year at school and all of the precious times, both good and challenging that come with being 15.


I love you Darian, always have, always will.


Your intuition is your Best Friend

My dear Darian,

In my mornings I wake up and put on the tea kettle and pull a bag of tea out with a message.   This message struck me as most useful.   I look at the picture of youdarian as a young baseball player, so focused, so daring, so strong.

In this day and age (and in the age you are particularly in right now) this little thought is very telling, powerful and needs two things in order for it to give you discernment.   Life is loud, immediate, fast and people are many times impatient.

One must find silence in their being, environment and peace in their mind-set in order to know what your intuition is telling them.

Think of your intuition as your best friend, greatest ally, and I believe God.   Intuition is there to guide and protect you.   To alarm you and make you aware of dangers either by your decisions or those others around you.

Your intuition will guide you when decisions need to be made, if you give this God-given power the space and time and the silence it needs to help you.

Right now I am engaged in making some decisions that will affect me for this next year if not many years to come.

My vision is to continue to get prepared for you.   No matter what God’s design is for our reunion.   The decisions I make I make with you in mind.

I realize it may be years before you can come and meet and see me or it may be tomorrow.   But the decisions I am making for myself right now have you in mind.

Darian I know many years ago was a nightmare for both of us, but my intuition tells me that no matter how hellish times have been in my past, It IS THE RIGHT NOW THAT COUNTS!   And that is, moment by moment making good decisions will allow me to have a flourishing finish to life.

This is one of my prayers for you in your growth, to come to know that your intuition can and will serve you well.

I Love You Sweet Son,

What would I say to you Darian for this New Year?

I am so sorry that I could not talk to you again this past Christmas, I am sorry your father still won’t get over his bitter grievances that happened so long ago.

Darian, “Finding Your Voice,” even if you are probably not able to voice your thoughts, in your current home, is and will be so important to your well-being, mental and emotional health, and ultimately to your entire life as a young man.

I recently watched “The Kings Speech,” again, and as I have had no voice in the matter of parenting you in the past four years, and loving you, this blog has become my ‘Voice,” to you and others, that are in this situation, with the other parent that believes that alienating and stealing their child, through the mountain of lies, money spent in court cases, more grotesque lies, and eventually driving the other parent away, due thinkingto very real threats, like “I Will Destroy You, no matter how many courts in the Land it takes.”

Find your voice Darian, even if it has a different tone, or in writing, or in any other form you desire, so you can stay well and remember that you were always wanted, cherished and destined to be here, even though they have kept you from me!

Your voice even if its is in your own mind, for now, can help you navigate your way through trouble, and your voice is there to warn you in situations, when you need a “True North” inner compass in life.

I pray, as Sister Gloria, still continues to pray for me and as I am sure for you, that God and his angels, whisper my thoughts to you of encouragement and cheer for this year ahead. Remember I have the same phone number and I am only a handful of hours away, in the event you want to be in touch. My family, your family has started to discover that there is a way for them to send their love, promises for your future, and solidarity as YOUR OTHER FAMILY!!!

We all love you, Darian, Happy 2013 ….. I hope God gives you what you are needing this year and never dismiss, those whispers, even though you may think you are imagining my VOICE, you’re not.




How did” Never Give Up Mom ” Get Started?

As I continue on this important project I would like to explain how I got this name “Never Give Up Mom.”   I have not seen my son for well over a year on this stretch of time, nor have I had access to him via, phone or any other form of communication for about 4 years now.

As my son’s mother, I remember his voice, and have heard it often in my memory.   I  pray constantly for God to let him know that I am thinking of him, praying for his safety, wellness and happiness.

Maybe as I have prayed for all the good things for him, he was for me.   I know my son’s heart as I raised him until his 11th year, so I know that boy.   One day I heard in my soul, Never Give Up Mom!
I felt that it did indeed come from him.   I know how he was always in support of me and how he conveyed his support to me.   Darian you wrote so many loving, supportive messages and letters to me in your elementary years, some I have framed and are hanging in this living room now.

Because of this parental alienation that your father continues to foster, I have started this blog to write to you and tell you the things I do not have a chance to say to you in person.

I believe we all have had “those” moments when we are thinking of others and they were doing the same with us.   My relationship with my son was incredibly close and indelible.   I am hoping through this form of communication, this will be the building of that bridge that will allow him to know, beyond any shadow of doubt that I love him, pray for him every day, have never forgotten him, and most importantly:


With Love to Every Child, YOUNG AND OLD, that doesn’t know they ARE LOVED.