Dear beautiful Son Darian,
As I begin the writing of this post, and I think it is the most difficult one that I have written so far, let me share with you how MUCH I would like to be with you in person to tell you this.
On June 30, 2013, at 10:00 a.m., your Grandmother Lucille passed away in La Mirada near her home.
She, at the age of 92, had been admitted to a wonderful facility and had good care with many of our family visiting her consistently. Several weeks before her admittance, she was diagnosed with cancer in her pancreas, liver and lungs. Up until this point Darian, grandma took sole care of herself and was adamant about doing so.
In the last post “Fly Quiet Mom.” I told you a bit about my last visit in person with her. Here are a few more details I would like to share with you about this precious and memorable time I spent with her by her bed.
Your grandmother, if you remember, was a small petite lady, with a quiet presence. In her final weeks and in this visit with her I witnessed her determination to not fight to stay alive, as she discussed with me that she “knew.” She would not be returning home this time. As she came to a peace with her dying, she also emerged with quiet vocals about her wishes in her passing, as if she knew she had “Rights” in the way she needed it to be so she could “process” this very natural and difficult time. She also made sure that her nutritional nurse was clear that she would NOT have 5 nutritional shakes and that it would in fact be JUST ONE!
Darian, no matter how strained, estranged or perfectly close my relationship has been with her, she is my Mom, and I can tell you, the clear reality that she would be leaving for a place that I am not sure of, is and was a strange and mysterious feeling that I believe most children will experience.
I was on my way to see her again and as I was leaving the Northern California area, I got a call from my cousin Suzanne. I knew when she called what she was going to say. Grandma knew I was coming, and earlier that morning at 2:35 am, I woke up in my room and felt a dense feeling, like the presence of a person was there. I had been very edgy and restless that night, knowing that I would be making that journey down south again, and knowing the 14 days prior had been grueling for your Uncle Jim and cousins, Susan and Penny, that they held a continuous vigil with her.
When I started to wake up in my room, it was her, grandma that gave me two messages. The first was, “Be Well Charla,” and the second was “I LOVE YOU.” With that message she kissed me on the forehead, and the dense feeling disappeared.
Darian, I believed her. All of her messages, I didn’t hear what she said, I FELT THEM. There is the language of feeling and I believe that this blog isn’t just my words but an energetic language that YOU CAN FEEL TOO.
When I pulled over to take Susan’s call, I had a hard time finding a spot on the street. When I finally found one, it was right under a sign that I did not notice. I went into this restaurant to get a cup of coffee, and when I came out I looked up, I saw this sign, “The Sleeping Lady.”
At that moment, I just knew that “She was and is fine, for an eternity.”
Be well sweet son, knowing I am just “A Thought Away.”