My Meeting with Nez Erok

Hello My Beloved Son Darian,

As I continue in my life to seek out and be a part of healing, hope, art, and influence, I was able to put this opportunity together with singer, film maker, counselor, and life coach, Nez Erok.

She was going to be in LA for one evening, after flying from Australia, to show her film, Laid To Rest,’ where it was an entry at the Awareness Film Festival.   I contacted her PR person and told our story of our separation, and my wish to meet her.    In fact, I needed to meet this woman that so boldly carries her message to the world.

Her message is of hope and healing through trauma, with a  profound awareness of the ugliness in domestic abuses of all kinds, and the senseless atrocities and victimization to children around the world.Charla-Nez Erok

Nez is so striking on camera and in her music videos. I was searching the internet on all subject matter of ‘Beauty,’ and her song Beautiful came up.    She was so captivating I couldn’t turn away.

I write this blog because this is, for now, the only way I can bridge the distance and time between me and you.   As I have continued to write to you over these past few years, and have never given up communicating to you, the WORLD reads my messages of LOVE for you and my unending support to you.

I know ‘Never Give Up Mom’ has made a difference to some, even with all the information on the internet . . .  “Never Give Up Mom” was initially a whisper from you to me, and it has now become a mantra of healing for others.

I love you darling young man Darian.

I always have, always will.


Darian ….. Do you Remember Wayne Dyer?


Hello my beloved Son,

It has been much too long since I have written to you.   I hope you are well and it must be about that time of year that you are now back in school.   I am wishing you nothing but a stellar year ahead!

Do you remember all the times that you and I watched Dr. Wayne Dyer?   He just passed away two days ago, and I was fortunate enough to go to Maui where together we had been once before, and took a workshop with him and several other writers, about 550 of them to be exact.

Writing isn’t being a wordsmith, as I know I’m not an expert in that area, but when I have written to you in this blog or to other people, there is nothing MORE important to me than my words be heard by Your Heart.

The Workshop I took was called “Writing From Your Soul,” and Wayne wrote from his soul in over 40 life alternating books.   It was never the dollars that drew him to his work, his message was always of hope and healing to and for others, and that in itself, created an enormous following.

As I sat in the front row and filled my brain with information over the three-day event, I felt so FULL, with food that my soul had been longing for.

I don’t know who you are following in your life right now, but if you are feeling “Hungry” in your soul or spirit, you’ll know you’ve made the right choice for yourself if you feel:

  1.   Safe in what you are engaging in.
  2.   Open in your heart, not just in your head. 
  3.   You would rather be doing this than any other thing you can think of.
  4.   It will be challenging, and you couldn’t imagine wanting to be anywhere else.
  5.   And last but not least IMPORTANT, the outcome is GOOD for you
    and OTHERS.

There is nothing but GOOD that will come from our story.   This is my intent and affirmation today for you, me and others that share this separation.   I am wishing you well this year, filled with all the most amazing possibilities for you!

Love you sweet son, always have….. always will,


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Wayne Dyer QuoteDr. Wayne Dyer – YouTube Videos


By Never Give Up Mom Posted in Growing


Beautiful Son Darian,

This is the eve of my birthday. I have come to belief and practice that one should ask for what they want in their life.   I also believe that one needs to work for and earn that as well, at least that is what I have found to be true, so here goes…

But before I make my GREAT DESIRE KNOWN, let me start by thanking all of my friends and some family for their support, prayers and love regarding this Blog of Love and Communication to You and to all parents and children that have been led away or stolen from one me

Darian, I guess one reason why I write again so soon is because I am one year older and wiser and more alive, and I just don’t want to let more time pass without saying I love you and I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

So, if you can find a way to contact me in any way I will love that, be it a dream, a thought, via this blog or any other way possible.


I love you dear son, always have always will…


I Have Not Given Up, I’ve Risen Up…

Hello darling son Darian,

I know another year has passed for you at school and you must be thrilled.   I hope you are well and happy.

In an attempt to show you how I am doing, I’ll share some recent pictures with you.

I have had the great fortune of traveling across this Great Country and experience many places with amazing artist and businesses and unforgettable scenery.    I hope you get the chance one day to experience the same.

I love you dearly Darian, I have not forgotten you, how could I?

One could travel one million miles and never forget the ones that we love, and those that have loved us, thank GOD!

I love you dear son…


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To Love Something Despite


“It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart?   We love what we love.   Reason does not enter into it.   In many ways, unwise love is the truest love.   Anyone can love a thing because.   That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket.   But to love something despite.   To know the flaws and love them too.   That is rare and pure and perfect.”       ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

In Dreams and In Love, Darian…


My very loved son Darian,plate

‘There are NO Impossibilities
in dreams and in Love.’

I bought this little plate as a reminder of one of my very favorite places, in Northern California, Inverness.

The second that I found it, well I knew it was a straight arrow of truth. This has been the very truth for me as I am living it right now.

I have felt you my very dear beloved son, so much, recently.    I am praying daily for your happiness and protection.

I will love you always, as the minute your cheek touched my face in the San Francisco hospital where you were born.

There are some wonderful and magnificent things that no one, even time can mistake.

I am always loving you from every cell, breath, and place that I am.

Loving you always,


They Tried To Bury Us But They Didn’t Know We Were Seeds

Happy New Year My Dear Son Darian,

I hope this post finds you well.   I couldn’t wish anything else for you.   As I write this for you and every other person in this world that has lost a love and contiseedsnues to desire a communication with them weather they are living or not, I came across this saying in Pinterest tonight.   This is a seed of love for you and so many.

The title of this post is a Mexican Proverb, so apt because WE have a blood line that is Mexican and so many other nationalities as well.   I used to think down upon this when I was younger but I have come to find that it’s not your blood line that is important but how you see each individual person and most importantly YOURSELF.   I know your dad is from Iran and that is a sever button for many especially in these times, and I’ll admit I’m wondering what the heck these acts that some people carry out, I mean what the HELL can a person be thinking that carry out such atrocities??   It is not holy it’s criminal.

Maybe this post won’t make sense to you and maybe it will anger the beast, but I have been writing for over 2 years to my son in this country of the “free” and I have not had 1 time that I could see you in peace.   It has been more than 6 years.    I have been lied about in 4 courts of law and I simply ran out of money and resources to defend our right to have a peaceful co-parenting existence.   This Is Parent Alienation.

I have been jailed, and basically run out of the county that I raised you in.

I just watched ‘Blood Diamond’ with Leonardo Di Caprio and the boy that is the subject in the movie was stolen, like you, and his father does what ever he can to get him back.   So instead of me writing another post of my enduring devotion and love for you I’m gonna start this year with a bit of fire…seems more appropriate.   Life is short make it count Darian.

I will always be as outspoken with my enduring love for you and your welfare, and I’ll not put myself in harms way any more to see you, but Darian you are on the heels of being a man.   I pray for your happiness every day and your safety.   But I am here and I trust you have every conceivable way to contact me, every way.   I know you are also up against a very difficult situation too.   I have come to terms in most of my day’s that I may not see you as well.   What ever it may be, so be it, but I will also still reach out to you so you know clearly that I love and support you each and every day.   If I could do more I would.

I also pray that every parent that holds their child as a hostage just because they are pissed off at their ex-spouse, should be shown the door for their egotistical, pathological complex.

The point is this:   EVERY CHILD HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW THEY ARE LOVED, PERIOD.   Freely and Fully! 

And a child that has been taken and twisted at infinitum about the well being of the other parent is truly sick.

So basically I don’t care what ethnic background you come from, I  care that you act humane and especially when it comes to the welfare of your child, grow the …. up or get off  duty as the parent.   The seeds we plant are important and don’t always come in calm tones.   Love is fierce but never aims to harm.   This is my intention in this post to you.

I love you Darian, I’d love to know how you are.


Merry Christmas Darian!

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

I just arrived home after an evening of music and worship at one of the amazing new coffee places in my neighborhood.   The family that started it came here originally to open a church but after several starts and stops along the way, this opportunity opened up for them and by all appearances, God in his infinite wisdom, leMy Last Christmas With Youad and prepared an inspiring place of great coffee,food and an encouraging atmosphere.   I have to admit as I go about my life church comes and goes for me, but I’m always aware that I have a deep love for God and I know that God’s love for me is always present if I chose to tune in.

The Father took the stage for the last song of the evening with his son.  They are both incredibly talented as singers, writers and musicians.

As I watched Bill, the father, play with his son on stage their joy of each others company  made me smile and cry.   It made me pray that your dad would someday really enjoy you as I had for so many years.   And in enjoying you that his joy would allow you to be free to live and love as you choose.   There is truly nothing more memorable to me than the years I had with you. Watching you grow and develop your talents, mind, athletic stature and your beautiful spirit.   If I had it my way I would be watching and cherishing every moment right now with you.   But I know our time will come again, to be together, and in that perfect timing, not a moment too soon or late, safety, joy, and happiness will surround us all with the unmistakable hand of God.

This has been a phenomenal year of growth and blessing for me and you.   You may wonder how do I know about your year since its been so many years since we have been allowed to contact each other?   The truth is simple.   What happens to me passes to you and vice-versa.   Either in time or in the present energy moment and sweet son, I know your heart, and with that your love and kindness for me and others.   I thank you for coming to me in dreams and whispers of thought.   All you convey to me is heard, felt and appreciated.

Merry Christmas Sweet Darian and A Safe and Happy 2015 To Come!

With Abundant Love For You Always,




I do remember this day 17 years ago and all the minute details that went with this life changing day, for all of us. I have thought of so many things I wanted to say to you on your very special day today.   I had an idea about a little piece of paper that I still2 years ocean have, that has every contraction I had before you were born. I counted the minutes, seconds, checked in with every doctor, friend and family member,  just to make sure I was ‘doing’ it right.

Funny thing about that thought or mind set, so much of your birth and life has been out of my control.   But this post to you is clearly in my control, and as I write this letter of happiness and celebration to you, I am wishing you a wonderful day, celebrating with your friends and family as I always have.

In the picture below, Michael Muir is talking to one of his horses about being his best for it’s new owners.   I’m able to volunteer a bit of time at Rush Ranch in Susiun, Ca.   Michael’s non-profit is called,  Access Adventure, and they do many events a year to help those with disabilities and people in need of hope and healing.

This is the opening statement from Michael Muir, Director of Access Adventure, and Great grandson of the Americas Visionary Conservationist,  John Muir:



So my dear and precious son, if I was able to gift you anything in a box or gift card today it would be  this;

Know you have the vision and tenacity to challenge your limits in life.   You are much freer to focus on your potential than it may seem, and in doing so, your intention and deeds hold all great possibilities, for you and others.   Your so loved by me and so many others, just check out my Facebook page today, and you’ll see how many there are wishing you a Happy Birthday!

Have a memorable day my dear son, and know I’m right there in mind and heart celebrating with you!

I love you Darian,


Out of Sight, Never out of Mind

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

I have been remiss in getting a writing to you and I will say I am sorry for that.Though you and I have not seen each other in many years now and you may be out of my physical sight you are NEVER out of my mind and NEVER out of my heart with thoughts of love and care for you. Each and every day I wake up you are with me. I know this is your Junior year and I am hoping you are finding subjects to be passionate about and new adventures to engage in.
I spoke to a friend recently and told him of my “writers block” having to do with my blog to you, and he said Charla, it does not have to be a writing from the sermon on the mount, just tell him how you are and that of course you love him!
So with that advice I will say this to you. I am well Darian and my day’s are filled with meaningful work and new relationships. I see in a way that faith can only allow us to see. There is good in most of my ventures and peace throughout most of my days. Most of the time I’m able to see by faith and not exclusively by sight. There is never a moment though, weather I am aware of it or not that I don’t miss you and silently pray for your protection and every bit of happiness for you.

That prayer is and always will be unending.
I am proud of you in everything that I  know you are, and hold dear for you everything you wish to be. I know every bit of your spirit and I trust that God’s navigation of your life with the choices that you are making will be for good.
I wish I could be there with you to see your victories and failures and everything in between. But until the time we are able to meet again and I can hold you near know and trust you are never further than a thought away from me.

With all the precious love I have for you now and forever,


Forgivness and my meeting with Imaculee Ilibagiza

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

It has been nearly 3 years since I have seen you, and about that amount of time since I have heard your sweet voice, or had any tangible contact with you until now.Immaculee ILibagiza

You may not know this woman I am standing with, and in the event you do not, let me introduce her to you and the rest of the world.   Her name is Imaculee Ilibagiza, and she is one of the few Women from the Tutsi Tribe of Rwanda, Africa, to have survived the slaughter of all of her tribe, her friends, and all of her family.

In her book called “Left to Tell,” which I read when we were living back in Ventura, I was riveted by her story, her undeniable faith, her will to survive, and now after listening and seeing her at a Hay House event in Austin, Texas, last week, her ability to understand and “Practice Forgiveness.”    You might also want to see the YouTube videos on her experiences.

Darian, her story of this unfathomable event and the 90 days during which she and a handful of other women were hidden in a very small bathroom in order for her life and the lives of others to be spared had me magnetized many years ago.   I never thought  in my lifetime I would have the chance to meet her, and much less tell her our story of the controlled separation that we have both experienced.

Darian what Immaculee ILibagizais amazing is her compassion for her family’s murderer’s and her ability to forgive them is unfounded.   She emulates Jesus’ central message which I believe is to forgive those who trespass against us, and I will freely admit this has been the greatest test for me.  Her compassion for our story was evident and her call for me to continue to believe in God was paramount.

So dear son, my message to you today in this post is this:    When you need someone to mentor to you, make sure you look for a “Champion,” and if that Champion does not have the courage to place forgiveness at the top of their necessary protocols for dealing with the difficult to impossible people in their lives, look for another person that is a true Giant and Champion among us all.   For a true man or woman that possess these rare strengths will help you to grow into a man that has the right mix of love, kindness, insights, fearlessness, and a boldness that means no harm to themselves or others.

Darian let your brilliance and compassion for yourself and others shine!    I know you do and believe you will!

With Unending Love For You,

This is your room…

My dear Son Darian,

I hope this letter of love and caring finds you well.    I know this is the next post on a blog, a way, to communicate my enduring and unending love and support for you.   As you are getting ready to finish your junior year in high school, I hope it has been a wonderful, stimulating and invigorating time for you.

In the past week, I have felt your presence and thoughts.   Some people may think and even believe that you can’t be with those we love unless they are standing in our orb.   I think quiet opposite of that.

I asked in prayer on Mother’s Day to have some sort of communication with you, as any and ALL Mothers would. Within a few minutes I sensed a change within me, and observed your presence and without a moment’s delay, thoughts that were not mine began to fill my heart and then my mind.

I thank you for your communication in any form it comes to me and as I continue to rely on my faith in the unseen, I can focus my attention on you and believe you receive my love, and care in everything you are doing.5-14

For me some of the most important and comforting memories were those times when your Grandpa would say to me, “Just come home and stay for awhile, you have your room here.”   That gave me a sense of belonging that was so important and vital.    It gave me the energy to continue on my path as a world class makeup artist and it gave me the mental support that I needed even though I never took Grandpa up on his offer until his last few months of his life.    My spirit always remembered that I had a place to rest and renew and remake my life in any way I needed. And with that knowledge, I went on to achieve many of my dreams and goals as a young makeup artist in the film business.

As I prepare a home for me, it comes with a room for you ……. ALWAYS!

Sometimes even if it is only in our minds, it makes all the difference to know there is ALWAYS A ROOM, to come home to if you need rest, recreation, restoration and renewal.

Be well my darling and precious son and know I am proud of you and all of your efforts in this past school year.

With love and pride for you always,


Finding Healing with Horses…..

Beautiful Son Darian

It has been a busy and productive beginning of this new year and I am hoping this months post finds you well and blessed. It often seems I begin writing to you with a great deal of heavy emotion and in-trepidation. One day I hope to just hop on to my blog and write real and uplifting messages from the beginning, but I am still evolving just like all of us.

I wanted to show you the pictures of some of the horses that I have been around and working with.   Their names are Preacher and Tango.   I met them while I was in Santa Fe, and this work that I am doing with them began near your birthplace of San Francisco.   I found out some time ago that human communication was not all there was to healing my spirit and heart.   But after viewing the movie “Buck” many times, I found something incredibly unique in Buck Buchanan’s story and his healing around horses.   That started my quest to find someone that could help me. As God says and most of the time I believe, “SEEK, KNOCK, FIND,” & I did.

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I found a beautiful spirit and equine therapist in the Northern California area and began a whole new journey into trusting that I could recreate me and my life and begin to trust that life was in fact good.   There is not a person that has suffered a great loss that walks away unaffected and deeply changed.    And in this, lies the lessons that can become a catalyst to a whole new way of being in ourselves and the way we view the world.

Darian, whatever the losses and changes in your life, healing is much more than what things look like on the outside. The most profound changes happen many times in small incremental moments often undetected by the person that is making them.   These animals, the horses as I was told could crush me, they are so large, but what I found was that they are like “puppies” in a way, inquisitive, friendly, gracious and very communicative.   Their intuition is striking and I felt their communication was very much no nonsense.    Which is where I believe the term “Horse sense” came from.

There are many times I sense your presence and the dreams I have about you and your life are very vivid in nature. I have seen your YouTube videos about the “Chocolates” and the gorgeous pictures of you and a girlfriend on your way to an event.   She was almost as handsome/beautiful as you are.

And I love you, miss you,
and care about every detail of you and your 16 year old life!

I would never choose to not be there in communication with you, this has not been my choice.   But until it is strictly your choice, I will do my best to stay in faith, Trust God, keep on moving in healthy and productive ways that serve you and others, and hang out with the horses and learn their ways of grace and kindness and a form of communication that words just simply cannot convey.

I love you beautiful one, always have, always will.

Love you Mom!!

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

Merry Christmas to My Son!

My Dear and Beloved Son Darian,

Many gifts in life come in the most unusual ways and as such, they are not always recognized at that moment as a gift.    Although I can’t physically be there with you at this time, or you be here with me on this wonderful and beautiful Christmas Day, I am sending you my heartfelt love and compassion.   I am sending you gifts of joy, caring, and tenderness only a mother can share with her son.

The time apart from you continues to prove and show me that my love for you is a never ending love, no matter what!     Don’t let this holiday pass by without you knowing how sincere and deep my love for you is Darian.    There is NEVER a Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s,  Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Labor Day, President’s Day, …. that I do not think of YOU!    I think of you EVERY day I breathe!    You will always be my ONE & ONLY!   That will never be taken away from US!

My Last Christmas With YouDarian, as I cherish our last Christmas picture together, I want you to celebrate this holiday and know that I am with you in pure spirit, loving you, wishing only the best for you, and that you are a constant on my mind, my heart, and my breath!   My continued Christmas wish is to see your smiling face again!   Always know this!

♥ ♥ ♥ Love now and always, ♥ ♥ ♥

A Colorful Thanksgiving to All!

Happy Thanksgiving My Dear Son Darian,thanksgiving3

Back by popular demand, is our beloved Holiday where every color is displayed on our dining tables and the excuse to eat BIG AND WELL, is not just expected but anticipated.   Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday by far, for those edible reasons and more.   You were born in late October so this was your first official holiday and you attended it by laying in your little rocker at the head of the table next to your own doctor and my friend, Dr. Ken.   Dr. Ken and Nick could cook a Thanksgiving meal that gave the original meaning to finger licking good and one of the true culinary memories I will always cherish.   Thank you Ken and Nick!

This is also the time of year when friends and family get together to celebrate and give thanks for the lives we do have and those that are in it.  I will certainly be doing that while having you in my heart.   In one of the most influential books I have ever read named “The Shack.”  This is about a man’s journey to understand GOD through the profound tragedy of losing his daughter.   This isn’t a story exclusively of loss.   But an engaging invitation to look for the humor, healing and reunion in all of relationships and life.

In the entrance to chapter fifteen, titled “A Festival of Friends,” is this quote.

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”   This was written by Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth.

That quote stuck in my memory because it embodies all of our longing for another at one point Darians Artin our lives.   I have included in this month’s post one of your most beautiful artworks because of its vibrancy in color, to be a physical example to all that we are born with, the gift of color in all of our personalities and spirit.   I love that in this chapter it reads, “Not only are we able to see the uniqueness of one another in color and light, but we are able to respond through the same medium.   But this response is very difficult to control, and it is usually not intended to be restrained as this one is attempting, (meaning his father).    It is most natural to let its expression just be.”

It is impossible for me not to express my love and desire of connection with you as well as others each and every day.   As God says it is the most natural thing I would naturally do!

So with the bounty of good festivities to come this week I will leave you and all with more color and a catchy song from your Grandpa Lee.

As you fondly used to call him “Grandpa Leaf.” Color in character and spirit runs all through our families, and as I have come to understand, accept the best, and forget if you will the rest.   Let the love greater than you and me heal us all and know I wish you and so many other dear friends a Happy Thanksgiving!

I wanted to add a Huge and GRATEFUL THANK YOU TO CHRISTAL,for making and keeping this line of love and communication to my son and others possible. It has been one year and I couldn’t have done this with out you!

Please take a moment in this to post a comment , it is so important for me to get your input. It keeps me going, inspired and connected to you. Thank you with a grateful heart .

I love you,


Happy 16th Birthday to My Beautiful Son, Darian !

Beautiful Darian,happy 16

Happy, Happy Birthday and as they sing” Many Many More,” in the birthday song.    Of course I know the date isn’t until the 18th, but as far as I am concerned,  I celebrate YOU the whole month of October.     I woke up early this morning and the ideas were pouring into my mind as to what to say to you this year.

Since your Grandmother passed away in June, I have been going through boxes, jewelry boxes, and finding “True” treasures from her life and my past.

While I was waiting to be adopted, your Grandmother and Grandpa had been given a beautiful little card from a lady that was caring for me.   They don’t make these little cards anymore, today, you would call them vintage.    Someone had cut two pieces of my hair and taped them on the back of the card.    Funny, that hair color looks about the same as it does now.    My purpose in telling you this is, all my life I had played around with looking different  in my hair color, and so many other things.    I was always looking to change and enhance myself and here this card sits, 54 years later, and I Love what God gave me from the beginning!

The card says:   “Dear Charla Rae, I want to tell you that you have come to live with a very lovely family who will give you much love and make you lovely.    I Congratulate You!    Sincerely Yours, Alathena Smith.”

The day my life changed forever.

The day my life changed forever.

We all have our beginning into this world and I can tell you, your beginning was cared for by me as if “My Life” depended on you coming into this world.    Darian simply said, I so desired to Connect and Love in a way I had never known before you, so I believe God breathed his life into you and even in the midst of some birthing difficulties you came into this world and the moment my cheek touched yours, “Well, I have never been the same.”    I felt like every cell had new life and breath.   My depth of purpose and understanding as to why I am here became so clear and strong and changed immediately.    When I held you and looked into your eyes and you into mine, well I became not just your Mom, I got my prayer’s answered.   As you can see in this picture when you were born a picture is worth a million words and miles.

I have come to believe that even in the most difficult births and circumstances surrounding all of our most tender beginnings, God is there.  I have been told some hurtful things as to my life beginning and I have come to KNOW, it simply is not true.   I know God wants me to tell others the same, that they ARE INDEED LOVED AND WITHOUT HIS BREATH THEY WOULDN’T BE HERE, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IN THEIR NATURAL LIVES.   That is a very difficult one to digest and believe some days, so be forgiving and gentle when you meet that person. This also applies to us as well.

Maybe I am writing this in part for me to remember right now, maybe for you.   But either way nothing could stop me if we had a safe environment to see each other in.

Darian, there are many times in life that hurt comes from people that are deeply hurt and wounded in themselves, or have a false sense of themselves, and all they can think to do is inflict their pain and ideas on others.   God made every one of us (difficult as that is for me to fully grasp and understand), and as I am sifting through the various opportunities of my life right now , the one thing that is clear, all of us wouldn’t be here if we weren’t suppose to be….. Period!

I know It has been a long-haul being threatened and forced to be away from you these past five years and yet I have learned that I am resourceful and persistent.

I celebrate you and remember every detail of your courageous and tender entrance in this life, I even kept a 3-5 minute labor diary the 36 hours before your birth..

In my dream’s this morning I woke up seeing you and holding one of my Grandchildren, and just like in this picture I was looking into the eyes of perfection and loving every moment.     It was the greatest time for me of feeling UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I am here Darian, in Northern California, and when I am not longing but connecting to you, I AM WITH YOU.

I was given a beautiful painting by Dayle when we were on one of our journeys.   He said it reminded him of us.


So go blow your candles out and make a wish or many, I will be smiling and loving you from here.

Happy 16th Birthday Dear and Special Son!

Love you, always have always will.


Sleeping Lady…

Dear beautiful Son Darian,

As I begin the writing of this post, and I think it is the most difficult one that I have written so far, let me share with you how MUCH I would like to be with you in person to tell you this.
On June 30, 2013, at 10:00 a.m.,  your Grandmother Lucille passed away in La Mirada near her home.

She, at the age of 92, had been admitted to a wonderful facility and had good care with many of our family visiting her consistently.   Several weeks before her admittance, she was diagnosed with cancer in her pancreas, liver and lungs.   Up until this point Darian, grandma took sole care of herself and was adamant about doing so.

In the last post “Fly Quiet Mom.”   I told you a bit about my last visit in person with her.  Here are a few more details I would like to share with you about this precious and memorable time I spent with her by her bed.

Your grandmother, if you remember, was a small petite lady, with a quiet presence.   In her final weeks and in this visit with her I witnessed her determination to not fight to stay alive, as she discussed with me that she “knew.”   She would not be returning home this time.   As she came to a peace with her dying, she also emerged with quiet vocals about her wishes in her passing, as if she knew she had “Rights” in the way she needed it to be so she could “process” this very natural and difficult time.   She also made sure that her nutritional nurse was clear that she would NOT have 5 nutritional shakes and that it would in fact be JUST ONE!

Darian, no matter how strained, estranged or perfectly close my relationship has been with her, she is my Mom, and I can tell you, the clear reality that she would be leaving for a place that I am not sure of, is and was a strange and mysterious feeling that I believe most children will experience.

I was on my way to see her again and as I was leaving the Northern California area, I got a call from my cousin Suzanne.   I knew when she called what she was going to say.   Grandma knew I was coming, and earlier that morning at 2:35 am, I woke up in my room and felt a dense feeling, like the presence of a person was there.  I had been very edgy and restless that night, knowing that I would be making that journey down south again, and knowing the 14 days prior had been grueling for your Uncle Jim and cousins, Susan and Penny, that they held a continuous vigil with her.

When I started to wake up in my room, it was her, grandma that gave me two messages.  The first was, “Be Well Charla,” and the second was “I LOVE YOU.”    With that message she kissed me on the forehead, and the dense feeling disappeared.

Darian, I believed her.   All of her messages, I didn’t hear what she said, I FELT THEM.   There is the language of feeling and I believe that this blog isn’t just my words but an energetic language that YOU CAN FEEL TOO.

When I pulled over to take Susan’s call, I hThe Sleeping Ladyad a hard time finding a spot on the street.  When I finally found one, it was right under a sign that I did not notice.   I went into this restaurant to get a cup of coffee, and when I came out I looked up, I saw this sign, “The Sleeping Lady.”

At that moment, I just knew that “She was and is fine, for an eternity.”

Be well sweet son, knowing I am just “A Thought Away.”



Dear beautiful son Darian,Grandma & Sweet Darian

I have made several trips down to be with your Grandmother in recent months.   She now is in her final hours of being here with all of us.

When I came home 10 days ago I flew out of Burbank Airport.   It was after an arduous 2 day trip of seeing her and being “REAL” with her.   When I boarded the plane it was evening, and as I looked out the window as the plane began its liftoff, I read a sign that said “FLY QUIET.”

Since this was an airport and I was on a jet I was not sure how these big planes were supposed to “FLY QUIET?”

In 48 hours so much had been addressed.   Your uncle and I had spent what seemed our entire lives attached to this home, and all of the people and memories it held and contained.    All of the family drama, family code of silences, and happy and surprising stories and items that had seemed to be lost, began to be found and uncovered.

You know Darian, many of us look for “signs” when those we love are dying, in order to comfort ourselves and others in these often confusing and painful times.

As I saw that sign on the tarmac of the airport and read it, just then a shooting star, veered steady and straight towards what you could call the ‘Heavens.’    Was that Grandma telling me she was working out her departure and to not worry about her?

I swear I have never seen a shooting star in LA, too dense with people and lights.   But with God as my witness, that shooting star was as bright as could be and it carried my mom’s message to me, and that was clear!

Darian, while I visited with your Grandma, she reminisced about many of her childhood memories and she remember that a song she sang in the Glee Club.   I took my iPhone and searched on the internet for it.   The song is titled “Going Home.”    It is a beautiful classic hymn, and as she began to sing it, a memory she had never shared with me until this point, I saw a woman, 92, my Mom, your Grandmother, become free of all that had gone wrong, of all that had pained her, and in her voice she started to lift off.

I had many hours to learn that even if those that have held us had hurt us, to remember that when they were holding us with their tenderness, that “It does count.”

I pondered a most important question that came to my mind, “What do I or you want to hold onto more………  the disappointment or the LOVE?”

I did contact your dad to let him know what was going on with your Grandmother, in the hope that he would allow a moment for you to workout your own Farewell with her.    At this point, I have had no word from him.

Darian, you made grandma a “Grandmother,’  and I know she will carry with her for an eternity the precious memories and joy filled times with you.

God Speed,  Mom.    Your almost Home.

We Love You,
Charla and Darian