Anything is Possible Darian…

 

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Dear beloved son Darian,

Happy New Year! I hope the start of this year is a good one.  I believe you are in your last year of high school and I remember that my last year of high school was filled with many to do list’s as well as lists filled with the possibility of future endeavors and dreams.

I just came back from a dream of a trip to Montreal, Canada.   For many years now I have dreamed of going to a place called Saint Joseph’s Oratory of Mount Royal.

When we lived in our house in Ventura, we had the gift of being neighbors to Saint Catherine’s – By The Sea.   A convent where the nuns came from all over the world to retire, and eventually pass away.   One day, as we were picking  apricots off our tree in the back yard we met two of the sisters, Gloria and Betty.   They asked if they could have some of the fruit that was literally growing over the fence on their property.  Quiet happily we gave them bags of the delicious apricots.  That tree produced such an abundance of apricots that year that we were able to fed the neighborhood, as well as the sisters in the convent!

From that meeting on, every morning at 5:30 am, Sister Gloria and Sister Betty along with the others, would pray for us in the chapel that we could see from our bedrooms.  I visited Sister Gloria one day and she gave me a book about a man named Brother Andre.   He was a slight man that had lived through many hardships and heartbreaks in his life.  The book she gave me about Brother Andre and Mount Royal became a road map, inspiration and finally a destination for me this past holiday.  Over the past seven years of my separation with you, I have derived some extraordinary messages and experiences from God.   I have derived a kind of strength from reading Brother Andre’s story over and over again.

My visit to Saint Joseph’s Oratory of Mount Royal was a DREAM come true.   I could have never put the circumstances together that got me there this past Christmas.   One day, I’d love to fill you in on the details of this story, and I have a feeling you’ll have that look of knowing in your eyes that tells me that you know how it all happened too.

I lit a candle in Oratory in your honor as I always do when I visit churches.   When I lit the candle, its flame was so strong and bright…reminded me of you.

Love you now and always,

Mom

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For the followers of Never Give Up Mom:   I want to offer words of encouragement as well as ideas that help shift the circumstances in your lives.   In honor of those you love, light a candle and say a prayer of reconciliation with the belief that you don’t have to know how to change your current condition of separation, just that one day you will be in the presence of those you love.

 

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To Love Something Despite

 

“It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart?   We love what we love.   Reason does not enter into it.   In many ways, unwise love is the truest love.   Anyone can love a thing because.   That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket.   But to love something despite.   To know the flaws and love them too.   That is rare and pure and perfect.”       ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL SON DARIAN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SON DARIAN,

I do remember this day 17 years ago and all the minute details that went with this life changing day, for all of us. I have thought of so many things I wanted to say to you on your very special day today.   I had an idea about a little piece of paper that I still2 years ocean have, that has every contraction I had before you were born. I counted the minutes, seconds, checked in with every doctor, friend and family member,  just to make sure I was ‘doing’ it right.

Funny thing about that thought or mind set, so much of your birth and life has been out of my control.   But this post to you is clearly in my control, and as I write this letter of happiness and celebration to you, I am wishing you a wonderful day, celebrating with your friends and family as I always have.

In the picture below, Michael Muir is talking to one of his horses about being his best for it’s new owners.   I’m able to volunteer a bit of time at Rush Ranch in Susiun, Ca.   Michael’s non-profit is called,  Access Adventure, and they do many events a year to help those with disabilities and people in need of hope and healing.

This is the opening statement from Michael Muir, Director of Access Adventure, and Great grandson of the Americas Visionary Conservationist,  John Muir:

“WE FOCUS ON WHAT IS POSSIBLE,  NOT ON WHAT WE HAVE LOST.
THE WORST DISABILITY IS A BAD ATTITUDE.”

NGUM POST Pics

So my dear and precious son, if I was able to gift you anything in a box or gift card today it would be  this;

Know you have the vision and tenacity to challenge your limits in life.   You are much freer to focus on your potential than it may seem, and in doing so, your intention and deeds hold all great possibilities, for you and others.   Your so loved by me and so many others, just check out my Facebook page today, and you’ll see how many there are wishing you a Happy Birthday!

Have a memorable day my dear son, and know I’m right there in mind and heart celebrating with you!

I love you Darian,

Mom

Happy 16th Birthday to My Beautiful Son, Darian !

Beautiful Darian,happy 16

Happy, Happy Birthday and as they sing” Many Many More,” in the birthday song.    Of course I know the date isn’t until the 18th, but as far as I am concerned,  I celebrate YOU the whole month of October.     I woke up early this morning and the ideas were pouring into my mind as to what to say to you this year.

Since your Grandmother passed away in June, I have been going through boxes, jewelry boxes, and finding “True” treasures from her life and my past.

While I was waiting to be adopted, your Grandmother and Grandpa had been given a beautiful little card from a lady that was caring for me.   They don’t make these little cards anymore, today, you would call them vintage.    Someone had cut two pieces of my hair and taped them on the back of the card.    Funny, that hair color looks about the same as it does now.    My purpose in telling you this is, all my life I had played around with looking different  in my hair color, and so many other things.    I was always looking to change and enhance myself and here this card sits, 54 years later, and I Love what God gave me from the beginning!

The card says:   “Dear Charla Rae, I want to tell you that you have come to live with a very lovely family who will give you much love and make you lovely.    I Congratulate You!    Sincerely Yours, Alathena Smith.”

The day my life changed forever.

The day my life changed forever.

We all have our beginning into this world and I can tell you, your beginning was cared for by me as if “My Life” depended on you coming into this world.    Darian simply said, I so desired to Connect and Love in a way I had never known before you, so I believe God breathed his life into you and even in the midst of some birthing difficulties you came into this world and the moment my cheek touched yours, “Well, I have never been the same.”    I felt like every cell had new life and breath.   My depth of purpose and understanding as to why I am here became so clear and strong and changed immediately.    When I held you and looked into your eyes and you into mine, well I became not just your Mom, I got my prayer’s answered.   As you can see in this picture when you were born a picture is worth a million words and miles.

I have come to believe that even in the most difficult births and circumstances surrounding all of our most tender beginnings, God is there.  I have been told some hurtful things as to my life beginning and I have come to KNOW, it simply is not true.   I know God wants me to tell others the same, that they ARE INDEED LOVED AND WITHOUT HIS BREATH THEY WOULDN’T BE HERE, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IN THEIR NATURAL LIVES.   That is a very difficult one to digest and believe some days, so be forgiving and gentle when you meet that person. This also applies to us as well.

Maybe I am writing this in part for me to remember right now, maybe for you.   But either way nothing could stop me if we had a safe environment to see each other in.

Darian, there are many times in life that hurt comes from people that are deeply hurt and wounded in themselves, or have a false sense of themselves, and all they can think to do is inflict their pain and ideas on others.   God made every one of us (difficult as that is for me to fully grasp and understand), and as I am sifting through the various opportunities of my life right now , the one thing that is clear, all of us wouldn’t be here if we weren’t suppose to be….. Period!

I know It has been a long-haul being threatened and forced to be away from you these past five years and yet I have learned that I am resourceful and persistent.

I celebrate you and remember every detail of your courageous and tender entrance in this life, I even kept a 3-5 minute labor diary the 36 hours before your birth..

In my dream’s this morning I woke up seeing you and holding one of my Grandchildren, and just like in this picture I was looking into the eyes of perfection and loving every moment.     It was the greatest time for me of feeling UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I am here Darian, in Northern California, and when I am not longing but connecting to you, I AM WITH YOU.

I was given a beautiful painting by Dayle when we were on one of our journeys.   He said it reminded him of us.

A PERFECT LOVE BETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD.Mother & Child

So go blow your candles out and make a wish or many, I will be smiling and loving you from here.

Happy 16th Birthday Dear and Special Son!

Love you, always have always will.

Mom

You are Bold Darian…

Dear beautiful son,

Sometimes it is so difficult to begin to write to you and figure out how toDarian-onboard reach you through this blog.    It is so important to me to share myself through this way of communication, because it is the most tangible way I can.

I will take out things that you wrote and crafts you made that I have saved.   You summarized a book named “Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes,” and you wrote about a little girl named Sadako that was a victim of the atom bomb being dropped in Hiroshima, her life and eventual death.

I don’t ever remember reading it, probably seeing it in the midst of all of the paper work that came home on a weekly basis.

One thing that I know deeply is the regret I have not taking in all of the milestones that came and went so quickly.

I have many wonderful memories, and as I am sifting through your work as a young boy I see what you have written about the court issues that you were forced to take place in, and what you wrote about them.

I am so sorry for how it all just turned into such a nightmare, and though I can not go back in time and redo anything, I wish I could.

You wrote at the end of the Sadako story that “This is our cry, this is our Prayer, Peace in the World!”

And I suspect that was your own personal cry in our world.   I am truly sorry for all that I contributed to in making the last year that we were together, such a place of uncertainty and unrest.

I didn’t know how to stop all of the court battles, my fear about loosing our home, my business,and the general crash of my world and how to recreate it as fast as I could.

You were always so courageous and brave and kind, and I saw the bold nature you had as well.   I know things were scary, and if I could redo anything in my life it would have been just that.

In one of the chapters you write, “legend says if 1,000 paper cranes are made, then wishes are granted.”

Just know as I write this message to you, the paper is being folded into 1,000 Paper Cranes, and will be ready soon to fly overhead to protect you and grant you your wishes.

I Love and Miss You Darian, Always Have Always Will,

Mom

I AM FROM……

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,Darian_note

One of the most PRECIOUS things I have is a framed work of art and poetry from you.

You not only gave it to me as a gift you recited it to me in front of a whole audience. I believe it was your 4th grade year.   You and all of your class mates did a recital of your precious feelings and observations of your lives.

You were challenged in your reading skills, but you were always incredibly clear in your levels of verbal and non verbal communication.   I will never forget that as you stood before all of the parents that attended that special event, once you began to recite what you had written, you never once took your eyes off of me.

I was so taken by your focus and deep ability to remember your poem and project with such emotion.  It not only touched me deeply but all who sat and watched you.   At the end of your performance, I looked around and I was one of many parents that had tears in her eyes.  We were all surprised at the maturity and poise you possessed that day.

I often Darian drink tea out of a cup that has these written words on it and it is truly fitting for what I just wrote about you:

‘Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the number of moments that take our breath away….’

And that moment at Poinsetta Elementary School, IS ONE OF THOSE REMARKABLE MEMORIES FOR ME!

You took my breath away in so many, many things that I have memories of.   I am praying daily for you and your care, and I do look forward to the day that we can be together again and make our own new memories.

Until that day comes, I hope you are enjoying your year at school and all of the precious times, both good and challenging that come with being 15.

Darian

I love you Darian, always have, always will.

MOM