HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL SON DARIAN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SON DARIAN,

I do remember this day 17 years ago and all the minute details that went with this life changing day, for all of us. I have thought of so many things I wanted to say to you on your very special day today.   I had an idea about a little piece of paper that I still2 years ocean have, that has every contraction I had before you were born. I counted the minutes, seconds, checked in with every doctor, friend and family member,  just to make sure I was ‘doing’ it right.

Funny thing about that thought or mind set, so much of your birth and life has been out of my control.   But this post to you is clearly in my control, and as I write this letter of happiness and celebration to you, I am wishing you a wonderful day, celebrating with your friends and family as I always have.

In the picture below, Michael Muir is talking to one of his horses about being his best for it’s new owners.   I’m able to volunteer a bit of time at Rush Ranch in Susiun, Ca.   Michael’s non-profit is called,  Access Adventure, and they do many events a year to help those with disabilities and people in need of hope and healing.

This is the opening statement from Michael Muir, Director of Access Adventure, and Great grandson of the Americas Visionary Conservationist,  John Muir:

“WE FOCUS ON WHAT IS POSSIBLE,  NOT ON WHAT WE HAVE LOST.
THE WORST DISABILITY IS A BAD ATTITUDE.”

NGUM POST Pics

So my dear and precious son, if I was able to gift you anything in a box or gift card today it would be  this;

Know you have the vision and tenacity to challenge your limits in life.   You are much freer to focus on your potential than it may seem, and in doing so, your intention and deeds hold all great possibilities, for you and others.   Your so loved by me and so many others, just check out my Facebook page today, and you’ll see how many there are wishing you a Happy Birthday!

Have a memorable day my dear son, and know I’m right there in mind and heart celebrating with you!

I love you Darian,

Mom

Out of Sight, Never out of Mind

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

I have been remiss in getting a writing to you and I will say I am sorry for that.Though you and I have not seen each other in many years now and you may be out of my physical sight you are NEVER out of my mind and NEVER out of my heart with thoughts of love and care for you. Each and every day I wake up you are with me. I know this is your Junior year and I am hoping you are finding subjects to be passionate about and new adventures to engage in.
I spoke to a friend recently and told him of my “writers block” having to do with my blog to you, and he said Charla, it does not have to be a writing from the sermon on the mount, just tell him how you are and that of course you love him!
So with that advice I will say this to you. I am well Darian and my day’s are filled with meaningful work and new relationships. I see in a way that faith can only allow us to see. There is good in most of my ventures and peace throughout most of my days. Most of the time I’m able to see by faith and not exclusively by sight. There is never a moment though, weather I am aware of it or not that I don’t miss you and silently pray for your protection and every bit of happiness for you.

That prayer is and always will be unending.
I am proud of you in everything that I  know you are, and hold dear for you everything you wish to be. I know every bit of your spirit and I trust that God’s navigation of your life with the choices that you are making will be for good.
I wish I could be there with you to see your victories and failures and everything in between. But until the time we are able to meet again and I can hold you near know and trust you are never further than a thought away from me.

With all the precious love I have for you now and forever,

Mom

Forgivness and my meeting with Imaculee Ilibagiza

Dear Beautiful Son Darian,

It has been nearly 3 years since I have seen you, and about that amount of time since I have heard your sweet voice, or had any tangible contact with you until now.Immaculee ILibagiza

You may not know this woman I am standing with, and in the event you do not, let me introduce her to you and the rest of the world.   Her name is Imaculee Ilibagiza, and she is one of the few Women from the Tutsi Tribe of Rwanda, Africa, to have survived the slaughter of all of her tribe, her friends, and all of her family.

In her book called “Left to Tell,” which I read when we were living back in Ventura, I was riveted by her story, her undeniable faith, her will to survive, and now after listening and seeing her at a Hay House event in Austin, Texas, last week, her ability to understand and “Practice Forgiveness.”    You might also want to see the YouTube videos on her experiences.

Darian, her story of this unfathomable event and the 90 days during which she and a handful of other women were hidden in a very small bathroom in order for her life and the lives of others to be spared had me magnetized many years ago.   I never thought  in my lifetime I would have the chance to meet her, and much less tell her our story of the controlled separation that we have both experienced.

Darian what Immaculee ILibagizais amazing is her compassion for her family’s murderer’s and her ability to forgive them is unfounded.   She emulates Jesus’ central message which I believe is to forgive those who trespass against us, and I will freely admit this has been the greatest test for me.  Her compassion for our story was evident and her call for me to continue to believe in God was paramount.

So dear son, my message to you today in this post is this:    When you need someone to mentor to you, make sure you look for a “Champion,” and if that Champion does not have the courage to place forgiveness at the top of their necessary protocols for dealing with the difficult to impossible people in their lives, look for another person that is a true Giant and Champion among us all.   For a true man or woman that possess these rare strengths will help you to grow into a man that has the right mix of love, kindness, insights, fearlessness, and a boldness that means no harm to themselves or others.

Darian let your brilliance and compassion for yourself and others shine!    I know you do and believe you will!

With Unending Love For You,
Mom

Happy 16th Birthday to My Beautiful Son, Darian !

Beautiful Darian,happy 16

Happy, Happy Birthday and as they sing” Many Many More,” in the birthday song.    Of course I know the date isn’t until the 18th, but as far as I am concerned,  I celebrate YOU the whole month of October.     I woke up early this morning and the ideas were pouring into my mind as to what to say to you this year.

Since your Grandmother passed away in June, I have been going through boxes, jewelry boxes, and finding “True” treasures from her life and my past.

While I was waiting to be adopted, your Grandmother and Grandpa had been given a beautiful little card from a lady that was caring for me.   They don’t make these little cards anymore, today, you would call them vintage.    Someone had cut two pieces of my hair and taped them on the back of the card.    Funny, that hair color looks about the same as it does now.    My purpose in telling you this is, all my life I had played around with looking different  in my hair color, and so many other things.    I was always looking to change and enhance myself and here this card sits, 54 years later, and I Love what God gave me from the beginning!

The card says:   “Dear Charla Rae, I want to tell you that you have come to live with a very lovely family who will give you much love and make you lovely.    I Congratulate You!    Sincerely Yours, Alathena Smith.”

The day my life changed forever.

The day my life changed forever.

We all have our beginning into this world and I can tell you, your beginning was cared for by me as if “My Life” depended on you coming into this world.    Darian simply said, I so desired to Connect and Love in a way I had never known before you, so I believe God breathed his life into you and even in the midst of some birthing difficulties you came into this world and the moment my cheek touched yours, “Well, I have never been the same.”    I felt like every cell had new life and breath.   My depth of purpose and understanding as to why I am here became so clear and strong and changed immediately.    When I held you and looked into your eyes and you into mine, well I became not just your Mom, I got my prayer’s answered.   As you can see in this picture when you were born a picture is worth a million words and miles.

I have come to believe that even in the most difficult births and circumstances surrounding all of our most tender beginnings, God is there.  I have been told some hurtful things as to my life beginning and I have come to KNOW, it simply is not true.   I know God wants me to tell others the same, that they ARE INDEED LOVED AND WITHOUT HIS BREATH THEY WOULDN’T BE HERE, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IN THEIR NATURAL LIVES.   That is a very difficult one to digest and believe some days, so be forgiving and gentle when you meet that person. This also applies to us as well.

Maybe I am writing this in part for me to remember right now, maybe for you.   But either way nothing could stop me if we had a safe environment to see each other in.

Darian, there are many times in life that hurt comes from people that are deeply hurt and wounded in themselves, or have a false sense of themselves, and all they can think to do is inflict their pain and ideas on others.   God made every one of us (difficult as that is for me to fully grasp and understand), and as I am sifting through the various opportunities of my life right now , the one thing that is clear, all of us wouldn’t be here if we weren’t suppose to be….. Period!

I know It has been a long-haul being threatened and forced to be away from you these past five years and yet I have learned that I am resourceful and persistent.

I celebrate you and remember every detail of your courageous and tender entrance in this life, I even kept a 3-5 minute labor diary the 36 hours before your birth..

In my dream’s this morning I woke up seeing you and holding one of my Grandchildren, and just like in this picture I was looking into the eyes of perfection and loving every moment.     It was the greatest time for me of feeling UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I am here Darian, in Northern California, and when I am not longing but connecting to you, I AM WITH YOU.

I was given a beautiful painting by Dayle when we were on one of our journeys.   He said it reminded him of us.

A PERFECT LOVE BETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD.Mother & Child

So go blow your candles out and make a wish or many, I will be smiling and loving you from here.

Happy 16th Birthday Dear and Special Son!

Love you, always have always will.

Mom

MOM IS…..

Dear Beautiful Son,

I always feel when I begin to write another post to you how strange it feels, the passing of time, since I have connected with you last month in April’s post.   I am not sure why our little blog of LOVE TO YOU, is growing or even who the viewers are, but I will suspect that beyond the heartache that some people might feel about our situation, I am beginning to FEEL, that “They” are wanting to hear about an actual reunion between us!

ME TOO….

In this post, I am dedicating it to all the Mothers in this world.   Just as you, sweet Darian, once so profoundly dedicated this beautiful poem to me, and presented it to me as a gift one year, I would like to share it with others.   It is the first and last piece of art that I see every day that helps to remind me that you so purposefully observed me and us in all of those impressionable young years.   It is truly my most treasured voice I have from your heart.

      Mom Ismom is . . .

                by Darian Rahmat

She is Fantastic and Beautiful

She sees me playing baseball

She wants me to do my Best

She understands when I am sad

She tries to do her best

She hopes I will go to college

She Says I LOVE YOU!

She is fantastic and beautiful.

I thank you for all the joy of first’s that you gave to me as your Mom, all of the times you took my breath away by just simply being you.   I thank you for all the times of your deep and loving and kind observations of me, and all of your times of forgiveness when I failed at being strong.   I could not have asked for a more sensitive and sweet son that allowed me to be apart of such a perfect love.   Yes of course, I would love more than anything to talk to you on Mother’s Day or any day for that matter, but I am coming to believe that though I may not hear words from your mouth, I feel the language you are speaking to me in my heart.   And for this matter I am grateful.

Thank you sweet son, I love you too!

Mom

You are Bold Darian…

Dear beautiful son,

Sometimes it is so difficult to begin to write to you and figure out how toDarian-onboard reach you through this blog.    It is so important to me to share myself through this way of communication, because it is the most tangible way I can.

I will take out things that you wrote and crafts you made that I have saved.   You summarized a book named “Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes,” and you wrote about a little girl named Sadako that was a victim of the atom bomb being dropped in Hiroshima, her life and eventual death.

I don’t ever remember reading it, probably seeing it in the midst of all of the paper work that came home on a weekly basis.

One thing that I know deeply is the regret I have not taking in all of the milestones that came and went so quickly.

I have many wonderful memories, and as I am sifting through your work as a young boy I see what you have written about the court issues that you were forced to take place in, and what you wrote about them.

I am so sorry for how it all just turned into such a nightmare, and though I can not go back in time and redo anything, I wish I could.

You wrote at the end of the Sadako story that “This is our cry, this is our Prayer, Peace in the World!”

And I suspect that was your own personal cry in our world.   I am truly sorry for all that I contributed to in making the last year that we were together, such a place of uncertainty and unrest.

I didn’t know how to stop all of the court battles, my fear about loosing our home, my business,and the general crash of my world and how to recreate it as fast as I could.

You were always so courageous and brave and kind, and I saw the bold nature you had as well.   I know things were scary, and if I could redo anything in my life it would have been just that.

In one of the chapters you write, “legend says if 1,000 paper cranes are made, then wishes are granted.”

Just know as I write this message to you, the paper is being folded into 1,000 Paper Cranes, and will be ready soon to fly overhead to protect you and grant you your wishes.

I Love and Miss You Darian, Always Have Always Will,

Mom

How did” Never Give Up Mom ” Get Started?

As I continue on this important project I would like to explain how I got this name “Never Give Up Mom.”   I have not seen my son for well over a year on this stretch of time, nor have I had access to him via, phone or any other form of communication for about 4 years now.

As my son’s mother, I remember his voice, and have heard it often in my memory.   I  pray constantly for God to let him know that I am thinking of him, praying for his safety, wellness and happiness.

Maybe as I have prayed for all the good things for him, he was for me.   I know my son’s heart as I raised him until his 11th year, so I know that boy.   One day I heard in my soul, Never Give Up Mom!
I felt that it did indeed come from him.   I know how he was always in support of me and how he conveyed his support to me.   Darian you wrote so many loving, supportive messages and letters to me in your elementary years, some I have framed and are hanging in this living room now.

Because of this parental alienation that your father continues to foster, I have started this blog to write to you and tell you the things I do not have a chance to say to you in person.

I believe we all have had “those” moments when we are thinking of others and they were doing the same with us.   My relationship with my son was incredibly close and indelible.   I am hoping through this form of communication, this will be the building of that bridge that will allow him to know, beyond any shadow of doubt that I love him, pray for him every day, have never forgotten him, and most importantly:

I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO LET HIM KNOW THESE FUNDAMENTAL THINGS THAT HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO KNOW!

With Love to Every Child, YOUNG AND OLD, that doesn’t know they ARE LOVED.

CHARLA